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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld
By Steve Hofstetter
1996

Scene 1 -George and Susan in a cab. Susan reading paper, George just sitting there. Characters - George, Susan, Cabby

Susan- (laughs to her self)

George- What?

Susan- Nothing.

George- What?

S- It was nothing.

G- Then what did you chuckle at?

S- Nothing.

G- It had to have been something.

S- It was nothing.

G- But I distinctly heard a chuckle.

S- You did

G- So you chuckled, and you expect me to believe that it was an unwarranted chuckle?

S- Okay, there was a reason

G- (sarcastic "Heh.") I know there's a reason. If you chuckle, you better have a damn good reason. (Smiles to himself, then puzzled) What was your reason?

S- Oh, it was nothing.

G- (yelling) Tell me the reason!

S- Okay, Okay. If you must know, this columnist started a sentence with "and"

G- This is a reason to chuckle?

S- Yes. Every year in school, my teachers would always say never start a sentence with "and."

G- You can start a sentence with "and."

S- I think you can't.

G- And I think you can (stresses "and").

S- That's it. (Gets out of cab, George is shocked)

Cabby- She's right, you know (Said in thick foreign accent).

Scene 2 - Jerry and Elaine in Monk's Cafe. Jerry facing the door. Characters - Jerry, Elaine, George

Jerry- He's a what?

Elaine- A kisstalker.

Jerry- A kisstalker?

Elaine- You have to know what a kisstalker is.

J- No, I believe you just made that one up.

E- While we're kissing, he'll start talking to me.

J- Oh, a kisstalker. (Looks at Elaine all serious.) So what does he say?

E- Oh, anything. Sports, weather, you name it. It's all the same to him.

J- Does he want to kiss you?

E- (Upset, stretching out the word "know") I don't know!

J- Oh hey, here comes George.

E- I think I'm gonna go now. (gets up)

J- You have a problem with George?

E- It's just ever since that big salad thing. . .

J- Oh, yeah, the big salad.

(Elaine leaves, George and her exchange puzzled dirty looks, Enter George)

G- It's over. It's all over.

J- Oh that's too bad (sympathetic). What's over?

G- My life. It's gone. Gone! Shot to hell by one word!

J- What happened?

G- Susan and I had a fight.

J- Exactly what word are you talking about?

G- "And". And and and and and.

J- You called her an "and"?

G- Noooo. Susan was reading the paper, and she found a sentence that started with "and". She thought it was grammatically incorrect. (sarcastically)

J- She's right, you know.

G- (mocking) She's right you know.

J- You really think you could use "and" correctly in the beginning of a sentence?

G- And why not?

J- I bet you couldn't do it the whole day.

G- And I bet I could.

J- You go the entire day, starting every sentence with "and", and I'll have dinner with your parents.

G- And what if I don't make it?

J- You have dinner with your parents. (pulls waitress aside.) I'd like a cup of coffee please.

G- And I'd like a tuna sandwich.

J- Let the games begin.

Scene 3 - Elaine at her boyfriend's house, kissing. Characters - Elaine, Kisstalker (Josh).

Kisstalker- (stopping the kiss just to talk to her) Does my breath smell like knockwurst?

E- Uh, uh, uh (upset). No, Josh, your breath is fine. Can we get on with it? (Jumps on him and starts kissing him.)

K- (Stops kissing her again) Are you sure, because I had it for lunch today, and I really think I still have it on my breath.

E- Yes. No. I don't know. (Slumps down in her seat, hand covering her face)

Scene 4 - George is in a Yankee boardroom, having a meeting. Characters - George, Yankee Exec #1, Yankee Exec #2, Yankee Exec #3, Steinbrenner

#1- We called this meeting because we have an important item of business to discuss.

G- And this would be. . .

1- It appears we have a press leak.

2- A press leak?

1- Yes. A press leak. Someone has been telling the press every move we make, before we make it.

G- And why would anyone do this?

1- I just don't know what sort of horrible, evil person would do so heinous an act. (Eyes light up) There is a way to find out, however.

G- And what would this be?

1- On the surface, it seems that the "anonymous source" doesn't have any distinguishable speech patterns. However, upon closer look, it appears that he starts almost every sentence with the word "and". All we have to do is find this intellectual giant and promptly fire him.

G- (Hesitant) And why should we do this?

1- (Stands up and bangs fist on the table, yelling.) No one may know of our plans! (Sits down calmly.) George, it seems as though you've been starting every sentence with "and."

3- Hey, I think he has!

G- And I think I haven't.

Steinbrenner- Fire this man! And get me a cup of coffee!

Scene 5 - Jerry and Elaine are in Monk's talking, Jerry is wearing a mock turtleneck and doing a crossword puzzle. Characters - Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, George, Waitress

E- What's that you're wearing?

J- (Holds his shirt) What, this?

E- Who are you, Jack Tripper? What's with the turtleneck?

J- It's not a turtleneck. It's a mock turtleneck. I'm mocking people who wear turtle necks.

E- What gives you the right to mock people who wear turtle necks? If I were them, I'd be mocking you.

J- What, do you think you're better than me?

E- I believe I am.

J- Hey, do you know a five letter word for "brief"?

(Kramer comes running in)

K- Terse. (sits down calmly)

J- What's with you?

K- What's with me, Mr. Tripper?

J- The crossword puzzle?

K- I love crossword puzzles. Every day for the last 17 years. They're my weakness; I can't resist them.

E- They're your weakness?

K- Pure Kryptonite.

J- (To Elaine) Did you hear? George lost the bet.

E- That quickly?

J- He picked me up from the health club after his board meeting, and on our way home. . .

(Reminiscence to scene of Jerry and George in a cab)

J- (smiling, George keeps quiet) So how you holding up? Has your day been good? Are things good with Susan?

G- (Glares at Jerry. Just then, a cabby sideswipes him.) You stupid. . . (Turns toward Jerry, Jerry is still smiling, George flops his head down.)

(Scene shifts back to Monk's)

E- (laughing) So he went through a New York Yankee board meeting, starting every sentence with "and", just to lose it to a cabby?

J- (laughing) The best part is, George tracked the cabby down and the poor guy didn't even know English. George could've said "Glockenspiel", and the cabby wouldn't have known the difference.

(Everyone is laughing, George walks in)

E- Hey George, we were just talking about you.

G- (Pauses, then shrugs it off) Well it's over.

J- Oh, that's too bad. I thought it ended yesterday.

G- (mocking Jerry) I thought it ended yesterday. (Normal tone) Well it did, but it ended today, too.

J- What happened?

G- First of all, Susan called me, while our bet was still on. She hung up after I said, "And it's good to hear from you."

E- (laughing) How did the board meeting go?

G- Oh, it went. They fired me because they think I leaked to the press.

J- You?

G- Some anonymous source starts every sentence with "and."

J- I guess this one would be my fault?

E- Yeah. Don't worry Georgie boy, I bet I could top your day.

J- Yeah, what happened with the kisstalker?

E- I hate him so much.

(waitress brings food for Kramer)

J- So why are you still with him?

K- (Stuffing his face) Challenge.

E- Wait a second. How did he get his food before us, when he didn't even order?

E- (Calls waitress over) Excuse me, miss? I've been waiting for my food for over 20 minutes, and you just gave this guy a meal before he even ordered.

W- He doesn't have to order. He's Kramer.

K- Giddyap. (Leans over to Elaine) So what's he say?

E- What's who say?

K- The kisstalker.

E- I don't know. He said something about knockwurst. I don't pay much attention.

J- You don't find too many people talking about knockwurst these days. You hear about it every now and then, but seldom is it that people will actually interrupt a kiss to converse about knockwurst. Often salami, occasionally olive loaf, but never knockwurst. He must be quite a catch.

E- I think I'll be going now.

J- I gotta go too. I have a show to do tonight, and I want to write some of this stuff down before I forget it.

E- Don't bother.

(Jerry and Elaine leave, just then waitress brings their food)

G- (Pounding fist) I still can't believe I lost that bet.

K- (Eating Jerry and Elaine's food) I can.

G- Oh, and you could do better?

K- Give me any word, I'll start every sentence with it for the rest of the day.

G- And what if you don't?

K- I'll have dinner with your parents.

G- Any word?

K- Any word.

G- (laughing, with a snort) Knockwurst.

K- Giddyap again.

G- You think you can go the entire day starting every sentence with --

K- (Interrupts George) Knockwurst?

W- (Clears dishes) Would you two like anything else?

(Kramer begins to speak, but George cuts him off)

G- He'll have a tuna sandwich.

K- Let the games begin.

Scene 6 - Jerry's apartment (Kramer and Elaine are alone) Characters - Kramer, Elaine, Jerry, George, TV announcer

J- (Walks in to find Elaine and Kramer) What the hell are you two doing here?

E- Kramer let me in.

J- So how'd he get in?

E- I don't know. All he'll say is "knockwurst."

J- I stand corrected. He'll really only say "knockwurst?"

E- Yup.

J- Can this be?

E- Oh, it can be.

J- There's only one way to confirm this. Let's play word association. (Sits down at table across from Kramer, stares him down, the next sequence is done very quickly) Car.

K- Knockwurst.

J- Boy.

K- Knockwurst.

J- Table.

K- Knockwurst.

J- Glockenspiel.

K- (pauses, then confidently) Knockwurst.

J- (gets up) Damn! It's like a demented Citizen Kane!

E- Why could he be doing this?

J- I'm still wondering how he got into my apartment. (Buzzer rings, Jerry answers it) Come on up.

E- Do you realize that your stupid bet cost George his job and his fiance?

J- (Sarcastically) Really, I didn't notice.

(George comes in)

G- It's over.

J- Again?

G- Turn on the TV, you'll see. You and millions of other people will see my life crumbling before me.

(Turns on TV)

TV A- In sports news today, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is suing Ex-Yankee executive George Costanza for what Steinbrenner considers to be "rash behavior." Apparently, Costanza was fired for leaking information to the press, and later accused Steinbrenner of wrongful dismissal, claiming Steinbrenner was the real press leak. Steinbrenner was quoted as saying "Not only has Mr. Costanza dragged my name through the mud, but he has soiled the reputation of New York as well. And it was a bad thing to do." Costanza was not available for comment, leaving the scene muttering, quote, "he started the sentence with and," end quote, and something about knockwurst. Further details to follow.

(Credits roll, Seinfeld theme is played)

Scene 7-back to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is doing a crossword puzzle Characters-Jerry, George, Kramer

G- (Leaning over to Jerry, quietly) I made a bet with Kramer that he can't go the whole day starting every sentence with knockwurst.

J- And what an original bet that was, too.

G- (quietly) That's not the point. You told me that Kramer can't refuse a crossword puzzle question. Ask him one so he'll lose the bet.

J- What does he have to do if he loses? (Jokingly) Have dinner with your parents?

G- (Glares) Yes. Just help me out. Ask him a question!

J- Hey Kramer? (Kramer turns around) What's a ten letter word for a German luncheon meat?

K- (Gives Jerry a thumbs up) Hyeah!

More Unpublished Work:
*Souvenir (2006)
*How to Stop Being a Clod (2005)
*Long Live the Little Guy (2005)
*I am a Standup Comedian (2004)
*Red Eyes on the Red Eye (2004)
*Twas The Night Before Inauguration (2004)
*Jeez (2004)
*Confusion of State (2002)
*Relapse (2002)
*Cross (2002)
*Global Village (2002)
*Jerry Seinfeld Interviews John Rocker (2002)
*Girlfriend (2002)
*Right of Way (2002)
*Review of My Own Novel (2002)
*Olympic Interlude (2002)
*Botanical Gardens (2002)
*Daddy’s Little Girl (2002)
*Hit (2002)
*Tuning In (2002)
*Be-holding Dad (2002)
*So Long (2002)
*Just a Game? The tragic story of Donnie Moore (2002)
*Tricked Magic (2001)
*Farce and Losing in Atlantic City (2001)
*Keep Our City Clean: Leave Sheffield in LA (2001)
*Saving Silverman: Brain Not Necessary (2001)
*Shadow and Acting (2001)
*II (2001)
*AOHell (2001)
*Primary Day (2001)
*72nd Street (2001)
*Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes (2001)
*A Brief History of the Jew in the American College Fraternity (2001)
*Just Another Brick in the Wall: The Amsterdam News & Jackie Robinson (2001)
*Steps (2000)
*She is Somewhere (2000)
*Word Play (2000)
*100 Things You Need To Know For College (2000)
*Bad Day (1999)
*Don’t Make Your Title Too Long, and Other Common Mistakes (1997)
*Can’t Beat the Real Thing (1997)
*Baseball Fans of the 80s (1997)
*My High School Graduation Speech (1997)
*Sarah Lawrence College Essay - Accepted (1996)
*Aoo (1996)
*Haze (1996)
*The Cave-in (1996)
*The Lost Epsisode of Seinfeld (1996)
*Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle (1996)
*My House is a Very Very Very Fine House (1995)
*1973 (1995)
*Humor Runs in the Family (1995)
*Don't Quit (1995)
*Be Careful What You Wish For, It May Never Happen (1995)
*Ode to Seinfeld (1995)
*Memoir (1994)
*Jefferies at the Bat (1994)
*Ode to a Void (1994)
*Balls (1994)
*Balls II (1994)