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Unpublished Work By Steve Hofstetter

Seinfeld: The Poison Pickle
By Steve Hofstetter
1996

Scene 1- Outside Yankee Stadium Characters-Jerry, Kramer, Hot Dog Vendor

Jerry- So they really hired someone to replace George already?

Kramer- He sued them, you know.

Jerry- Isn't that what got him fired?

Kramer- Hey, I'm hungry. I'm gonna get a hot dog.

Jerry- You just ate half an hour ago!

Kramer- It was Chinese food!

Jerry- Alright, alright. Hurry up.

Kramer- (to vendor) I'll have one with mustard. Oh yeah, and could you put a pickle on that?

Hot Dog Vendor- (In thick accent) We don't have any pickles!

Kramer- No pickles?

Hot Dog Vendor- I said no pickles!

Kramer- You have to have pickles!

Hot Dog Vendor- I said no pickles! Get away from my hot dog stand!

Jerry- The man doesn't have any pickles

Kramer- (Turns to Jerry) Now you stay out of this.

Jerry- Kramer, I strongly advise against...

Kramer- (cuts him off) Ahhhhhhh! Now look buddy (reaches for his wallet) how much you want?

Hot Dog Vendor- I said no pickles! Now you are insulting me! That's it, you are banned from my hot dog stand.

Jerry- You couldn't see it coming, could you.

Scene 2 - Joe's fruit stand, George is on line with a ticket that says #42. He goes to the back for a second, and an old lady (#43) takes his place. Characters - George, Old Lady

George- Um, excuse me, miss?

Old Lady- (Turns around) What?!

George- Well, this is hard to say, I believe you've taken my place on line

Old Lady- I didn't take anyone's place. They called #43, and that's the number that I'm holding

George- Yes ma'am, but I have #42, which is comes before 43.

Old Lady- But I have the # they called now!

George- Miss, you don't understand. I have to buy these groceries for my mother. See she's (sniffs) to frail to go out herself.

Old Lady- I don't care if she was dead, I'm still #43!

George- (wrestles with the old lady for the #)

Scene 3 - Coffee Shop. Elaine and Jerry are at opposite sides of the booth. Characters - Elaine, Jerry, George, Waitress

Elaine- He doesn't notice me at all. It's terrible.

Jerry- Have you tried taking your shirt off? That usually works with guys.

Elaine- (ignores it) It's like I'm not even there. I'm just some invisible speck of dust

Jerry- Once you're invisible, does it really matter how small you are?

Elaine- Oh, so how are things going in your love life?

Jerry- They're going

Elaine- That bad, huh?

Jerry- I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 months. It's killing me!

Elaine- Eh. Better you than us.

Jerry- Hey, it's Kramer. I'd watch what you say. He's still a little upset about the pickle thing.

Elaine- Pickle?

Jerry- You'll see.

(Kramer enters, sits down next to Elaine)

Kramer- I can't believe it! The damn guy didn't have any pickles! I told you he should have pickles Jerry. He should've had pickles!

Elaine- Can I ask who?

Kramer- The hot dog man! (slapping one hand in the other with each word) Hot dog men should have pickles!

Elaine- Well maybe not everybody wants pickles

Kramer- Who wouldn't want a pickle?

Jerry- George likes pickles

Kramer- They're very tasty

Elaine- Well, maybe when you have a hot dog stand, you can have pickles

Kramer- Well then maybe I will.

Waitress- (Clears dishes). Would you like anything else?

Jerry- I'll have a pickle.

Scene 4 - Jerry's Apartment Characters - Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer

Elaine- So you hear what happened?

Jerry- No, what?

Elaine- Ah, you wouldn't care anyway

Jerry- You're probably right

Elaine- Okay, Okay. (Jerry stops, looks at her) Kramer (pauses) got his own hot dog stand!

Jerry- (Pushes Elaine across the room) Get out!

Elaine- (gets up off the floor) You know, that was slightly less than necessary

Kramer- (flies through the door) Yeah!

Jerry- Hey, it's the hot dog man!

Kramer- (spins around once, stops and puts hands out) In the flesh.

Jerry- You're really gonna be a hot dog man?

Kramer- Just call me Mr. Wiener

Elaine- So when are you going to get your license?

Kramer- License?

Jerry- Oh don't tell me

Kramer- I'll get one, I'll get one. But I need someone to come with me

Elaine- You need someone to come with you?

Kramer- I got lost in the licensing bureau once. For days I lived on bread crumbs and discarded candy wrappers. I'm not going back there alone. (Grabs Jerry's leg) Please don't make me go back!

Jerry- Alright I'll go.

Kramer- (Gets up quickly) Well then, that's settled.

Jerry- (buzzer rings) Come on up

George- (Comes in before Jerry even walks away from the door, Jerry is puzzled). What kind of society do we live in, where a man can't even buy a piece of fruit, without being harassed!

Jerry- And this man would be you?

George- I walk away for two seconds, and they call my #. I was waiting on that line for half an hour, and I missed it because they called my number while I was in the back.

Kramer- Was it one of those little tickets that say "take a number"?

George- Yeah, yeah.

Kramer- What color?

George- I don't know.

Kramer- It's important!

George- It was pink, okay?

Kramer- Well then.

George- So the point of this story, was that I learned something very important. You know what that is Jerry?

Jerry- Don't get off the line when you're next?

George- No. This city is ruthless. To beat them, I have to play their own game. I'll get there first. That'll show them! To victory! (leaves, slamming the door shut behind him)

Elaine- Aren't we a happy little mental patient?

Kramer- No..he has a point. Those tickets. Maybe I'll get one for my hot dog stand. He who controls the numbers, controls the world. So when are we going to get my license?

Jerry- I guess now would be a good time.

Kramer- Giddyap.

Elaine- Hey Jerry...your heater working? It's kind of cold in here.

Jerry- It must have broken down again. I'll call the repairman to get it fixed.

Kramer- (As they're all leaving) Hey I know this guy who'll get you 30% off...

Scene 5 - Health department, Jerry and Kramer are all waiting on line. Characters - Jerry, Kramer, Health Inspector (Barbara)

Jerry- This line is taking forever! Why'd you make me come with you. My whole day is shot. There's no benefit coming here! Nothing good can ever happen in the health department!

Kramer- That's enough of that kind of talk, young man. Hey, hey - see if you can get us to the front of the line.

Jerry- How am I going to do that?

Kramer- I don't know, bribe people.

Jerry- (Said sarcastically) "excuse me mister, I know you've been waiting on line for 2 hours, and would rather nothing than to be done with this, but if you let my friend go ahead of you, I'll give you a dollar."

Kramer- Bingo.

Jerry- (leaves the line to go ahead) Someday you're going to make a psychiatrist a very rich man. (Bumps into health inspector) I'm sorry I didn't mean to... (Eyes lock, "I will always love you" is played)

Barbara- It's okay, it was my fault, really. (puts out hand) I'm Barbara.

Jerry- Jerry. Nice to meet you.

Kramer- (Yelling) Hey Jerry! Are we in?

Jerry- (ashamed) That's Kramer. He's a little eccentric.

Scene 6 - Kramer's hot dog stand Characters-Kramer, Elaine

Kramer- Hot dogs, get your hot dogs here! (people keep walking by, suddenly Elaine comes and takes a number) Number 12! Well ma'am, what will it be?

Elaine- Ma'am?

Kramer- I'm trying to uphold my professionalism

Elaine- Yeah, whatever. Just give me a hot dog.

Kramer- Anything on it, ma'am?

Elaine- Just a hot dog

Kramer- No sauerkraut?

Elaine- No, just a hot dog

Kramer- No knish?

Elaine- No knish!

Kramer- How about a pickle? (smiles)

Elaine- Alright I'll take the damn pickle!

Kramer- Here you are ma'am. One dog, one pickle.

Elaine- This pickle smells kind of funny. You sure it's okay?

Kramer- If I put my approval on it, it damn well better be okay!

Elaine- Ehh, it's for Greg anyway. (walks away, no one else is there)

Kramer- Number 13!

Scene 7 - Joe's fruit stand Characters - George, Clerk

George- (to himself) I'm finally next. I'm next! I'm next!

Clerk- Number 2. Number two please.

George- Yes I'd like some...(clutches his stomach) oh g-d.

Clerk- Sir you'll have say that again.

George- Oh g-d

Clerk- I can't help you until you say what you want.

George- I think it's something I ate. Oh g-d. It was the pickle. Damn it, that pickle! (runs out retching).

Clerk- Number 3.

Scene 8 - Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on the heater. George is seating on the couch, Kramer is drinking something. Characters - Jerry, George, Kramer, Repairman

George- I feel terrible. Do you have anything to eat?

Jerry- (looks in pantry, picks stuff up as he says it) Uh . . . mushrooms . . . pretzels . . . cheese nips . . .

George- Did you just say cheese nips?

Jerry- Yeah, cheese nips.

George- There's a product named "nip"?

Jerry- Yeah, what's wrong with that?

George- It's a derogatory term for the Japanese!

Jerry- So, there are plenty of products like that . . . The Canucks . . . The Whop-er . . .

Kramer- Spic and Span.

Jerry- (to George) So what happened to you anyway?

George- I missed my turn on line again. Kramer's damn pickle!

Kramer- How was I supposed to know it was bad?

George- You're the salesman, you should know!

Kramer- Hey I'll make it up to you

George- How are you gonna do that?

Kramer- Well I was going to save it for myself, but here, you deserve it (gives George the #1 ticket). But this squares us!

George- Hey, you're lucky I don't report you to the health department, buddy.

Jerry- That reminds me, I have to call Barbara about our date.

Kramer- What is she sick?

Jerry- No

Kramer- Does she like pickles?

Jerry- Not particularly

Kramer- So how could Greg saying that he's gonna report me remind you?

Jerry- (pauses) No reason

Kramer- Oh, I think there is!

Jerry- No, no, no reason!

Kramer- I think you're dating that health inspector! I think that's why you got so conveniently "reminded"!

Jerry- Alright, alright, I am, so what!

Kramer- Aw, Jerry, you're sleeping with the enemy!

Jerry- (Phone rings, Jerry picks up) Hi Barbara . . . (looks at Kramer) No this isn't a bad time. Okay, I'll see you then. Alright, I'll tell him. Bye. (hangs up)

Kramer- Tell who what?

Jerry- She wants me to tell you that there's been a complaint filed, and you're getting inspected Thursday

Kramer- How could you do this to me? I'm your next-door neighbor! We're supposed to look out for each other. I bet if I were Mrs. Peterson in 4B, it'd be different, but nooooo.

Jerry- Look Kramer, you passing this inspection is just as important to me as it is to you.

George- Why's that?

Jerry- If you fail the inspection, it's over between me and Barbara. Who would date somebody who's unsanitary, who's friends with someone unsanitary?

George- (Shoving cheese nips into his mouth, getting crumbs everywhere) I don't know. I just don't know.

Kramer- Hey- if I scratch your back, you better be scratching mine.

Jerry- What'dya mean?

Kramer- Use some of your pull with Barbara. Tip the scales?

Jerry- Alright, just don't let her find out.

Kramer- Lips are sealed

Jerry- (to repairman, as R's getting up) So when's it going to be ready?

Repairman- (walks toward the door) When it's ready

Jerry- And when would that be?

Repairman- When it's ready

Jerry- Oh that's much more definite

Repairman- That'll be $35

Jerry- I'll send a check

Repairman- (annoyed) When, when it's ready?

Jerry- No, when I feel like it. (Slams door in repairman's face, smiles, and dusts off hands)

George- You're a hero to all of us, Jerry

Scene 9 - Joe's fruit stand, George walks in Characters - Joe, George

George- (As he pushes past people) Scuse me, pardon me, first on line, coming through. (slaps down #1 on the table)

Joe- Can I help you?

George- (laughing) Well I should hope you can. I'd like some . . .

Joe- (cuts him off) Where'd you get that #?

George- The dispenser . . . I . . . I . . . just took it now.

Joe- You just took that now?

George- (nervously) Yes, just now.

Joe- Oh yeah? Then how come I have this? (holds up his own #1)

George- (Grabs his #, and runs out)

Joe- (Yelling after him) Don't you come back in here! You're banned!

Scene 10 - Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Barbara are sitting on the couch, reading. Every time Jerry flips a page, Barbara breathes very heavily, and this annoys Jerry greatly. Characters - Jerry, Barbara

Jerry- Something the matter?

Barbara- No, nothing (10 seconds pass, she breathes again)

Jerry- Are you sick?

Barbara- No, I'm fine (10 seconds pass, she breathes again)

Jerry- Hungry?

Barbara- No thanks, I grabbed a bite to eat on the way over (10 seconds pass, she breathes again)

Jerry- (Closes his magazine angrily) So are you doing it just to piss me off?

Barbara- (Defensive) Doing what?

Jerry- The breathing, the panting! (Imitates her, overdoes it)

Barbara- I don't know what you're talking about! Look, can we just go back to reading?

Jerry- Fine. (Opens his magazine again, she breathes) (pointing) That! That!

Barbara- Oh that? I just do that when I'm cold. That reminds me, when are the parts for the heater going to be ready?

Jerry- (reading the magazine again, smiling) When they're ready.

Scene 11 - Coffee Shop. Elaine and Jerry are talking

Elaine- Well, I tried it

Jerry- You tried what?

Elaine- I took my shirt off

Jerry- (laughs) You took your shirt off?

Elaine- Yup. Bared it all.

Jerry- Did he even know your name?

Elaine- (smiling) He does now!

Jerry- You know, I've gotta be rude to you more often

Elaine- Hey, insult me, you might just get lucky. (Sips her coffee) So how's that girlfriend of yours anyway?

Jerry- Don't get me started on that one.

Elaine- What's wrong?

Jerry- Well, she's got this habit. When she's cold, she breathes a lot.

Elaine- And you have a problem with breathing?

Jerry- It's not just breathing, it's heavy breathing.

Elaine- Heavy breathing?

Jerry- Yeah, heavy breathing

Elaine- Whad'ya mean, like this? (Breathes outward)

Jerry- No, it's more of a wheeze, like this (imitates it)

Elaine- Oh, like this (imitates it. George walks in while they are both wheezing, and comes over with a puzzled look on his face)

Jerry- (stops breathing funny, to George) So, did it work?

George- (sits down, next to Elaine) What do you think?

Elaine- Failed miserably, didn't it

George- I told Kramer it wouldn't work. I said Joe would know. I knew this would happen!

Jerry- So what did Joe do?

George- He banned me

Jerry- He banned you?

George- (throws his arms up) He banned me

Elaine- Well isn't this an exciting turn of events.

George- Hey, you stay out of this.

Jerry- Yeah, (pauses, looks at Elaine) Bitch (raises his eyebrows quickly)

Scene 12 - Kramer's Hot Dog Stand. Kramer is being inspected by Barbara, both Barbara and Kramer are wearing very heavy coats Characters - Kramer, Barbara

Barbara- Mmm Hmm. (Looking over the stand) Everything seems to check out.

Kramer- Did you expect anything less?

Barbara- Well complaints were filed (gust of wind blows, she wheezes)

Kramer- (shakes) Ahhhhhh

Barbara- Something wrong?

Kramer- (regaining composure) I'm fine, it's just (Barbara wheezes again, Kramer shivers, and almost falls down) Ahhhhh (she keeps wheezing, he keeps convulsing, finally he's on the floor, confessing) Alright, alright, it was me. I gave George the poison pickle. I didn't live up to other hot dog men around the world! (crying) I'm a failure. I'm a failure.

Barbara- Well, (writing something down) this is definitely a problem (she wheezes again, he shivers on the floor, scene ends with him shivering every couple of seconds)

Scene 13 - George is in a supermarket, holding #78. He finally gets to the front of the line after a very long wait. Characters - George, Clerk.

Clerk- (nasal voice) #78!

George- Yes ma'am, (excited) I'm #78

Clerk- Well, can I help you?

George- Yes, yes you can. I'd like a jar of half sour pickles, please.

Clerk- Oh, I'm sorry, we're out. You'll have to come back tomorrow. #79!

George- (bangs head 3 times on the counter)

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