The Mirth of America
Two years ago, I wrote a column about how much I love America. Last year, I wrote another about the silly things that happen in other countries. This year, it's only fair that I address some of the silliness we find within our own borders.
A new comic book entitled, "Hell, Michigan," recently debuted with stories of ax murderers and divine retribution fictitiously taking place in the real town. Residents of the real Hell, Michigan say the stories are nothing like their town, and remind them much more of Detroit.
The Redneck Games, featuring events like bobbing for pig feet, the mud-pit belly flop, and the armpit serenade, are currently in their tenth year in Georgia. For the last three years, organizers have had to keep track of the anniversaries by counting the fingers on the hands of two of the participants. The event is covered by Redneck World Magazine, estimated to have 350,000 subscribers and 27 readers.
A Pennsylvania teenager was arrested for riding a bicycle in nothing but sandals. Cops later discovered the bike to be stolen, though I'm guessing the original owner doesn't want it back.
In Santa Barbara, A 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested named Sam won the annual World's Ugliest Dog contest for the third straight year. Sam's only hair is on his head, his snout is equipped with a line of warts, his blind eyes are white, and his teeth jut out at all angles. However, Sam's friends insist he has a great personality.
South Carolina barbecue chain "Sticky Fingers" purchased stickyfingers.com for $6,000 from pornographers in order to prevent patrons from accidentally stumbling onto the nude pictures. Several patrons were outraged at the purchase saying, "that was the only reason I ate there."
A Salt Lake City woman sold a tattoo on her forehead for $10,000 in order to pay for her child's private school. The Utah child, who now has a mother with a forehead that reads "GoldenPalace.com," is choosing between private schools in Maine and Alaska.
A West Virginia woman pleaded guilty to smuggling pot to her jailed fiancÃ© in their baby's diaper. Prison guards were alerted to the scam when the man proclaimed, "this pot smells like crap!"
A New York City school teacher resigned after it was discovered that his sick days were used to tour with the WWE instead of caring for an ill sister, like he claimed. The wrestler says it didn't hurt his job and the kids tested well "because I taught them!," while investigators allege the kids scored high because "they knew he could eat them!"
An man's bid of $351,100 won him a private lunch with Omaha's billionaire investor Warren Buffet. Buffet's first piece of investment advice to the bidder will be how to get lunch for under a quarter of a million dollars.
A Kentucky man was arrested for the second time in two months for DUI, both times while on horseback. A third strike could force the man to relinquish his horse and return to the 1830s.
And in more driving news, authorities arrested a repeat offender in Minnesota for driving his motorcycle over 205 miles per hour. Police charged him with speeding, reckless driving, violating his probation, and being totally badass.
In recently declassified documents, former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger referred to Indira Ghandi as a "bitch" and the Indian people "bastards." The remarkable thing is not the comments or the apology Kissinger made thereafter, it's that anyone could understand anything Kissinger said.
And so that Americans don't feel completely responsible for the world's problems, I should tell you about Sanjai Shah, a Kenyon man who has been living at an airport in Nairobi for the last year while waiting for British citizenship. Shah said his ordeal wasn't easy, having to sleep on uncomfortable chairs and eat bad food. He is looking forward to starting a life in England, where they have very comfortable chairs.