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The Column

15 Shots of Nostalgia

It has been a while since I changed column formats from my old shot style to my new formulaic prose. And while I have had way more fun and a better response with the new format, I still reminisce fondly about the old style. It's like your ex that way. Sure, you're way happier without them, but every once in a while you wonder what life would be like if you had one more shot. Or 15 more.

I've been doing a lot of traveling recently. In the last month and a half, I've been in over twenty states. And the prevailing lesson I've learned is that no matter where you are, no matter who you are, at no matter what time, there will always be a Denny's.

Cigarettes are $7.50 per pack in New York City, but I can buy a carton of ten packs for $18 in some of the places I've been. I could make a fortune buying a few cartons each trip and reselling them, but I don't because I don't like it when my friends smoke. Which is odd, since I seem to be okay with racketeering.

Did you know that Indiana has three time zones? A slice is on Eastern, a slice is on Central, and the rest of the state is on Eastern half the year and Central the other half. Which is convenient, because while the Pacers game is starting in one part of the state, they're already down by 12 in the rest.

State College is very proud that during a football game, the stadium is the third largest city in Pennsylvania - even bigger than Harrisburg. So if an ambitious politician wanted to be elected mayor of the state capital, he could just invite Ohio State to his campaign rally.

While at Ohio State, we went downtown to see all the city had to offer. Ten minutes later, we were back in the car.

Speaking of Ohio, the NBC affiliate in Youngstown did a story on me. I was excited, and I called a friend from home. But nothing killed my enthusiasm like my friend saying, "Cool. What's Youngstown?"

The St. Louis arch has got to be the shortest tunnel in the world.

Here's my impression of the Texas panhandle. Flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, flat, church. There could be no one for miles and there will still be a church. Actually, there will be four.

While we were in Oklahoma, we went to the University of Tulsa's football field and played catch. At first we were afraid we'd get kicked out, so we dropped a couple of passes and fit right in.

When I woke up in Colorado, there was a mountain outside my window, and that was pretty cool. But not as cool as living across the street from a huge apartment building. Sure, I appreciate the feats of modern engineering, but there's no chance of seeing a neighbor changing through the window of a mountain.

Iowa is so flat that the tallest thing in the state is a Texaco sign. The second tallest thing in the state plays center for the Hawkeyes.

Parts of Philadelphia can be scary. I was in West Philly, and I couldn't tell which side of the tracks is the wrong side of the tracks. I gave up and decided I'd be safer on the tracks. A train can only hit you once.

California residents elected Arnold governor, proving that they are big movie buffs. So maybe they've seen Superman I, in which Lex Luthor tries to hit the San Andreas fault line with a missile, sending most of California into the Pacific. And freakin Superman had to go and stop him.

One of the stories in New Mexico while I was down there was the rise in reported STD cases. How are any reported at all? If I wake up itching, I don't alert the census bureau. "Hey, Jimmy, it burns when I pee! Just thought you should know."

Driving through Nebraska on a Friday night, there were three high school football games on the radio. I listened to an entire half, just hoping to hear James Van Der Beek say, "I don't want your life."

Writing this was a bit like seeing my ex again. It was fun to reminisce, and things looked pretty good for a little, but by the end of the day I remembered why we broke up. It took WAY too long for this column to come.

Okay, 16 shots.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?