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The Column

My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can

This Thursday, families across America will gather together and discuss what they are thankful for. And since I will be in Las Vegas nowhere near my family, I figure I'd get it out of the way now. Because the only turkeys I'm going to be near on Thursday are the ones I smoke at Texas Hold Em. (Get it, smoked turkey? Badum! Oh, nevermind.)

I am thankful that Michael Jackson could finally be going to jail. I am also thankful that my parents had the sense enough never to send me to hang out at his place.

I am thankful that Sportscenter can be seen 47 times a day. I am also thankful the same can no longer be said for Sister Sister.

I am thankful that Arnold Schwarzeneggar was elected governor of California. And that is a thank you on behalf of all stand-up comedians, humor columnists, and people from states no longer stupider than California.

I am thankful that George Bush may NOT get reelected next year. I am also thankful that I have renewed my passport in case he does.

I am thankful 2004 is a leap year. It gives me an extra day to sleep in.

I am thankful that Paris Hilton's life isn't quite as perfect as it was a few weeks ago because of a stupid choice she made. I am also thankful for DSL.

I am thankful that I didn't get my butt kicked for my Halloween costume. (See column from a few weeks ago, mine)

I am thankful that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are turning 18 soon. Not so that they'll be legal for me, but so that all of the pathetic introverts who don't stand a chance with these Uber-rich twins will quit pretending age is the only thing that prevents them from scoring.

I am thankful to have seen some of the amazing places I've seen in the last few months, and to not live in the others.

I am thankful I will be in Southern California for a month during what could be a terrible winter. Take that, birds.

I am thankful I am not that Cubs fan who touched the foul ball, because that could have been any one of us. Actually, that could only have been people who could afford awesome seats to the NLCS, so really, screw him.

I am thankful for my readers and my audience, because without you what I do would be really pitiful.

I am thankful that they're considering making new episodes of Family Guy so I have new stuff to quote.

I am thankful that of all the physical deformities I could have been born with, my worst problems are pale skin and a small bladder that makes me have to pee a lot.

I am thankful I write in a time where I can use the phrase "have to pee a lot."

I am thankful for my education and the great conversation piece it gives me since I'm not using it at all. "Yeah, I owe $54,000 in student loans and I could have dropped out of high school and done my job. Crazy, huh?"

I am thankful for my family, even though they're crazy. Because none of us have killed each other or stolen from each other or have even been arrested for anything. Yet.

I am thankful I was never stupid enough to ship myself home in a crate, no matter how much I wanted to go there.

I am thankful I have never had a bird crap on me, because I've seen it happen to other people and it looks like it totally sucks.

I am thankful I write in a time where I can use the phrase "had a bird crap on me."

And most of all, I am thankful that I can make a living spending several hundred words a week venting to all of you. Especially when I do it in list form cause that's way easier.

Happy Thanksgiving.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?