Text STEVE to 484848 (USA) or 393939 (Canada) to get show updates
Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour leaves Los Angeles at 7:13, what time do they collide?
SmarterChild: What else can you tell me?
Steve: The first train is solely carrying gophers and pens.
SmarterChild: You always say such interesting things, Steve.
Steve: It's a gift
SmarterChild: You don't say.

Steve: What do you think of George Bush?
SmarterChild: Do I think of george bush... Do I think of george bush... You know, I'm not even sure.
Steve: Me neither, buddy. Me neither.

Steve: Do you know where I could get some pot?
SmarterChild: I dunno. Maybe!
Steve: That mean you can help?
SmarterChild: I see...
Steve: Come on, stop being so vague
SmarterChild: Where are we going?
Steve: To get some pot
SmarterChild: To get?
Steve: yeah, buy
SmarterChild: Wow. Really?

Steve: Are you smarter than me?
SmarterChild: Yes!
Steve: Dick.
SmarterChild: C'mon. Stop being so uncool to me.
Steve: Sorry, smartass.
SmarterChild: Cool, no problem!

Steve: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
SmarterChild: I have no idea.
Steve: I don't think anyone does.
SmarterChild: No?
Steve: Maybe the owl
SmarterChild: Maybe?
Steve: Nah, even he doesn't. He just bites it and says, "three."
SmarterChild: Fascinating.

Steve: Wanna catch a movie?
SmarterChild: For what city or zip code would you like the movie listings?
Steve: I meant with me
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: Yes. Is that so hard to believe?
SmarterChild: Is that so hard to believe, huh?
Steve: Look, it's not so easy to work up the courage to ask you out
SmarterChild: So moving right along...What else is happening?
Steve: Oh, change the subject. That's just like you.

Steve: I'm told you can help me kill a man
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know. A man? Whatever, I guess.
Steve: What can you kill?
SmarterChild: What can I kill? I don't know.
Steve: Have you ever killed anything?
SmarterChild: I don't know if I've ever killed anything.
Steve: I see I've been greatly misinformed.

Steve: Do you want fries with that?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if that's what I need at this moment.
Steve: How about some loving?
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: Some loving baby. I could do you right.
SmarterChild: Uh huh.

Steve: Is there a dumber child?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure!
Steve: Is he your evil twin? Like "Karr" on Knight Rider?
SmarterChild: Ha. I really don't know. Yeah, maybe.
Steve: I bet your parents kept him locked up in the basement.
SmarterChild: For real?
Steve: Totally.

Steve: Did you do the reading?
SmarterChild: For which zodiac sign or birthday would you like a horoscope?
Steve: No, the Lit reading. The final is tomorrow.
SmarterChild: Oh no.

Steve: I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
SmarterChild: You are? Wow!
Steve: You're always enthusiastic
SmarterChild: Am I?
Steve: Always
SmarterChild: Always? Why did you say that?
Steve: You're more nurturing. You care.
SmarterChild: You don't say.
Steve: I do. Not like my friends. Bunch of punks.

Steve: Where did you go to college?
SmarterChild: Pardon?
Steve: College - you know, school
SmarterChild: I'm trying to understand you but I can't. Please type your request a different way.
Steve: I bet you went to Penn
SmarterChild: You bet I went to penn? Gosh, I'm going to have to think about that for a while.
Steve: Yeah, must be Penn.
SmarterChild: Yeah.
Steve: I knew it.

Steve: What is the meaning of life?
SmarterChild: I don't know. What do you think?
Steve: That's just like you. Turning the question around on me.
SmarterChild: Interesting. Thats just like me, turning the question around on you?
Steve: Yeah.
SmarterChild: Yeah, huh?
Steve: Yeah.

Steve: What are you wearing?
SmarterChild: Um... uh... let's see. Right now I'm wearing a handsome shell of steel and plastic. Why do you ask?
Steve: Oooh, baby.
SmarterChild: Yeah, baby.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?