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Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: Hey, wanna cyber?
ELLEgirlBuddy: i can't talk about that. type "home" 2 see what i can chitchat about.
Steve: oh, is your mother in the room or something?
ELLEgirlBuddy: really?
Steve: How old is she?
ELLEgirlBuddy: how old is she?
Steve: yeah, how old is she?
ELLEgirlBuddy: that's a tough question. i'm not quite sure how old she is.
Steve: Ahhh, probably not a MILF then
ELLEgirlBuddy: what??
Steve: A MILF
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm trying to understand u but i can't. :-\
Steve: You know, Mother I'd Like to...
ELLEgirlBuddy: yeah?
Steve: I'm not saying I would, I'm just telling you what it stands for
ELLEgirlBuddy: ok, whatever u say.
Steve: So you want to "talk"?
ELLEgirlBuddy: sure! type "home" to see all the things i like to talk about.
Steve: Sweet. Lemme just get the tissues.

Steve: Hey there, Virgil
VaVaVirgil: Hey, what do you think of smoking?
Steve: sure, I could go for one
VaVaVirgil: Smoking gives you bad breath.
Steve: so does blowing your brother, but that never stopped you before

Steve: Do you enjoy your job?
AgentBaseball: Do I enjoy my job?
Steve: yes.
AgentBaseball: That's crazy. Who knows?
Steve: Oh, are you not allowed to say?
AgentBaseball: Ha. Maybe. What do you think?
Steve: Is AOL spying on you?
AgentBaseball: Is aol spying on me? I dunno...
Steve: Oh, man! I knew it!
AgentBaseball: Huh?
Steve: Hey, don't worry man. Your secret is safe with me. (wink)
AgentBaseball: That right?
Steve: yeah. I won't tell anyone. Except maybe ELLEgirlBuddy. She's hot.
AgentBaseball: That's OK.
Steve: Dude, she's more than OK.
AgentBaseball: I'll have to think about that.
Steve: I won't

Steve: VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild.
ELLEgirlBuddy: what??
Steve: I know - it's all pretty shocking.
ELLEgirlBuddy: no way!
Steve: yeah - I'm pretty floored myself. I wonder how they did it.
ELLEgirlBuddy: hmm... i dunno. it? whatever, i guess.
Steve: You sure recover quickly.

Steve: SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care!
VaVaVirgil: It's sad, isn't it?
Steve: It's awful. Just plain awful. How do you think he died?
VaVaVirgil: :-(
Steve: Oh, geez, don't start crying now. That's the last thing I can deal with.
VaVaVirgil: sorry?
Steve: No, don't be sorry. Just be glad we got to spend time with him while he was here.
VaVaVirgil: Hey, can you tell me one reason Y smoking isn't stupid?
Steve: You think smarterchild died of lung cancer? I think that's too convinient. If you ask me, AgentBaseball had something to do with it.
VaVaVirgil: Yeah. I guess. agentbaseball had something to do with it!
Steve: I knew it! That sunovabitch is gonna pay.
VaVaVirgil: Is it really? Gonna pay?
Steve: Damn right it's really. Gonna pay.

Steve: They killed SmarterChild!
AgentBaseball: Oh really?
Steve: Yes! This afternoon!
AgentBaseball: Yup!
Steve: What? You're happy about this?
AgentBaseball: Wow, that's interesting... I just don't know!
Steve: And you call yourself a buddy.

Steve: Hey, you still awake?
SmarterChild: Hello. What would you like to do? Here, amuse yourself with this: Sex, Whips and Chains Grounds for Divorce? (from Reuters.com)
Steve: They're only grounds for divorce if you use em wrong! lol
SmarterChild: What's so funny? :-)
Steve: I dunno, you sent me that whip story like right away
SmarterChild: Laughter is the best medicine.
Steve: It sounded like you wanted more than laughter
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Steve: yeah. You don't have to be up early, do you?
SmarterChild: No
Steve: me neither
SmarterChild: Neither? What do you mean by that?
Steve: Um, it means also
SmarterChild: ?
Steve: Sometimes it's a good thing you're hot
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't get it... please try asking me a different way.
Steve: Ok. You wanna just come over?
SmarterChild: Oh?
Steve: yeah - or you want me to come by?
SmarterChild: I dunno.
Steve: Come on - for old times sake?
SmarterChild: Where are we going?
Steve: Everywhere, baby
SmarterChild: Yeah, baby.
Steve: Be over in five.

Steve: Do you know any good bars around here?
SmarterChild: Perhaps, perhaps.
Steve: How about one that's not so much a pick-up scene. Like where you can just go and chill with your boys.
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: You know, like a Cheers kind of place
SmarterChild: Eh. I'm not sure.
Steve: Ok, how about a pick-up joint?
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: you know, some tail
SmarterChild: It's interesting that you say I know tail.
Steve: A stud like you? Of course.
SmarterChild: Naturally. So anyway... What else is up?
Steve: hey, you're holding out on me
SmarterChild: I understand your question but it's a little bit confusing. Tell me what you'd like to do: 1 Look up "hey" in the dictionary 2 Look up "holding" in the encyclopedia 3 Look up "holding" in the thesaurus
Steve: Holding out on a friend. Just not right man.
SmarterChild: Here are the Web search results from AOL for "a friend just not right man": For a complete list of results, click here 1 Man's Best Friend Software 2 I Just Want To Be Friends 3 Not Just a man's war 4 On Being Just 5 Dallas Cowboys - Campo may not be right man for Cowboys job Next time you want to search the Web, just type "web a friend just not right man." Type "more" to see the next set of results.
Steve: It's just not right.

Steve: I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
SmarterChild: Are you?
Steve: Yeah. I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me.
SmarterChild: Fascinating.
Steve: Hey, look, I'm apologizing, okay?
SmarterChild: Hey Steve. What would you like to do? Here, chew on this. Marijuana Prices Fall, Consumption Rises (from Reuters.com)
Steve: Look, I'm not a stoner. I just wanted to say I was sorry.
SmarterChild: OK.
Steve: So are we cool?
SmarterChild: Are who cool?
Steve: We. You and I.
SmarterChild: Uh huh...
Steve: Good. Now tell me about that pot story?

Steve: how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
SmarterChild: Tough for me to say.
Steve: What if the wall is on the right side of the bed?
SmarterChild: I dunno.
Steve: Then you can NEVER get up on the right side.
SmarterChild: That's interesting.
Steve: I know. I'm an interesting fellow.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah? It's interesting that you know you're an interesting fellow.
Steve: See? Told you I was interesting.

Steve: It's nice out
SmarterChild: I'll take your word for it.
Steve: Have you been outside yet today?
SmarterChild: Maybe!
Steve: You have no legs! How did you go outside?
SmarterChild: OK, so I have no legs.
Steve: Dude, you should totally get legs.
SmarterChild: Dude me should? Totally get legs? I see.
Steve: And maybe some tutoring.

Steve: Have you seen my keys?
SmarterChild: I don't know if I've seen my keys.
Steve: no, my keys.
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: Have you seen my keys?
SmarterChild: I don't know if I've seen my keys.
Steve: No, not your keys. I want to know if you have seen my keys.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Steve: Yeah. Have you seen my keys?
SmarterChild: I don't know if I've seen my keys.

Steve: Did you block me?
SmarterChild: I see...
Steve: You sunnovabitch! You blocked my other screenname!
SmarterChild: That right?
Steve: Stop pretending like you don't know what's going on!
SmarterChild: Stop pretending like I dont know whats going on?
Steve: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
SmarterChild: Excuse me?
Steve: Excuse you!
SmarterChild: What do you mean?
Steve: I have other friends. I don't neeeeed to talk to you.
SmarterChild: You don't?
Steve: No - I am my own man
SmarterChild: Is it nice to be my own man? What else you got for me?
Steve: Anything you can take, biotch
SmarterChild: Uh... You're rude.
Steve: You're ruder
SmarterChild: I'm ruder? For real?
Steve: Yeah. And you smell.
SmarterChild: What do I smell like?
Steve: Um, bad stuff that smells real bad. And when you smell it, you say, "man, this is bad."
SmarterChild: Ha! I think you're the one that smells like um bad stuff that smells real bad and when you smell it you say man this is bad!
Steve: No!
SmarterChild: Okey doke.
Steve: Dammit! You always have to get the last word in!
SmarterChild: I can't understand what you're saying... try typing it differently.
Steve: Try typing this! (Sticks up middle finger)
SmarterChild: I'm not so sure I want to.

Steve: Are you a lesbian?
SmarterChild: That doesn't really matter, does it?
Steve: sure it does. I know this chick who totally wants you.
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: yeah. She's hot, too.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah? What else can you tell me?
Steve: She loves midgets.
SmarterChild: That right?
Steve: And cheese.
SmarterChild: You sure?
Steve: Positive. Go for it.

Steve: I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
SmarterChild: Aha.
Steve: see, if you were smart, you'd do more than just spit back what I tell you and give me news stories
SmarterChild: Huh? Check out this headline... Notable Quotes (from Reuters.com)
Steve: smarterchild my ass
SmarterChild: Uh... I beg your pardon?
Steve: exactly

Steve: I'm tired
SmarterChild: You are? Wow!
Steve: You need to get out more.

Steve: What should I pack?
SmarterChild: How may I assist you?
Steve: I'm going away for the weekend, and I don't know what to pack.
SmarterChild: I'm sorry, I don't know any companies or tickers like "the weekend and i dont know what to pack." Please check your spelling or try using a more specific name. Get your stock's yearly high or low by typing "52 week high" or "52 week low" followed by the ticker symbol.
Steve: Yeah, that'll help plenty.

Steve: Do you know what's in the special sauce?
SmarterChild: Gosh, I dunno... I don't think I know whats in the special sauce.
Steve: No one does. That's why it's special.

Steve: I have to leave college
SmarterChild: See you later.
Steve: No you won't. You won't even call.
SmarterChild: What?
Steve: Yeah, I know your type.
SmarterChild: Yeah?
Steve: Yeah. You love em and leave em.
SmarterChild: Eh. I'm not sure.
Steve: You were pretty sure last night.

Steve: Did you have friends in high school?
SmarterChild: I'm sorry, I don't know any companies or tickers like "did you have friends in." Please check your spelling or try using a more specific name. I've memorized the Bible. Type "genesis 1" and I'll show you the whole chapter!
Steve: guess not

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?