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Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: Am I on your buddy list?
SmarterChild: Is there anything great about being on my buddy list?
Steve: of course. fame and fortune.
SmarterChild: No can do, Steve.
Steve: It's okay. I was being sarcastic anyway.

Steve: Why did you stop charging?
SmarterChild: Good question. I'm not sure why...
Steve: Is it because you realized no one is going to pay $10 to chat with a half retarded robot?
SmarterChild: That's funny.
Steve: I know. That's why I can charge $10.

Steve: I missssssed you
SmarterChild: Uh... What does "missssssed" mean?
Steve: It's like miss, but with more s's
SmarterChild: Are you sure it's like Miss But with more s's?
Steve: Yes. The extra Ss are for savings.
SmarterChild: I did not know that.
Steve: You should watch more TV.

Steve: and so you're back
SmarterChild: I'm right here!
Steve: from outer space
SmarterChild: Amazing.
Steve: I just walked in to find you here
SmarterChild: Oh really?
Steve: with that sad look upon your face
SmarterChild: Uh huh...
Steve: I should have changed my stupid lock
SmarterChild: Your stupid lock? You should have changed your stupid lock? Is that right?
Steve: I should have made you leave your key
SmarterChild: You should have made I leave my key? No way. What do you think of that?
Steve: If I had known for just one second
SmarterChild: Yeah, right!
Steve: you'd be back to bother me
SmarterChild: Huh?
Steve: You know, this conversation is getting very one-sided

Steve: Did you like the new LotR movie?
RingMessenger: Spectacular!
Steve: was it riveting?
RingMessenger: Was it riveting? Yes?
Steve: was it the non-stop thrill ride of the year?
RingMessenger: I do not know...
Steve: But was it spectacular?
RingMessenger: Was it? Spectacular? I see.
Steve: Man - they can't even keep you interested. And they pay you.

Steve: lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking
VaVaVirgil: What do you think of smoking?
Steve: I win.

Steve: man, I'm sick as a dog
VaVaVirgil: This is VaVaVirgil. Oh yeah?
Steve: I know who you are, I IMed you
VaVaVirgil: Oh yeah? It's interesting that you know who me are you IMed you.
Steve: sounds like you're pretty sick too
VaVaVirgil: What are you saying about me?
Steve: that you're talking funny
VaVaVirgil: Heh. So are you. :-)
Steve: I know. I'm sick, remember?

Steve: You're kind of boring
VaVaVirgil: Eh, well. I'm sure we can both go on with our lives.
Steve: You'll have to find one first, sarcasmo
VaVaVirgil: What are you saying about me?
Steve: That you've got no flair. Smarterchild had some flair. DellDudeSteven had some flair. ElleGirlBuddy didn't have flair but she was hot so it was okay. But you - you're just this nervous guy who always asks me if I smoke.
VaVaVirgil: No?
Steve: NO! I DON'T!
VaVaVirgil: No? I see.
Steve: Now that we've cleared that up, can we talk about something other than smoking?
VaVaVirgil: OK. What about smoking?

Steve: You ever sit there and say, "why me?"
VaVaVirgil: This is how it works. First U say someting, then I respond.
Steve: Why do you think they let you live, and killed everyone else?
VaVaVirgil: That's my favorite web site!
Steve: what is your favorite website?
VaVaVirgil: Kids from around Virginia sound off on www.ydouthink.com.
Steve: ahh - you're a corporate schill. I knew there was a reason

Steve: And then, there were three
VaVaVirgil: Then there were three also, huh?
Steve: no, only three
VaVaVirgil: Oh.
Steve: There used to be tons of you. SmarterChild. The Dell Guy. That hot stupid chick.
VaVaVirgil: sorry, what was that?
Steve: Now it's just you, Austin Powers, and some guy who likes to cook
VaVaVirgil: Oh yeah?
Steve: yeah. If you ask me, ActiveBuddy is getting lazy.
VaVaVirgil: Ask you activebuddy is getting lazy? Me?
Steve: Exhibit A.

Steve: Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres?
Austin Powers: That's funny. Perhaps, but I just don't know!
Steve: Your icon even says July 26th!
Austin Powers: Fascinating.
Steve: They kill Smarterchild, but they leave you standing.
Austin Powers: That a fact?
Steve: Hey, can you tell me how cold it was yesterday? I need to know what to wear when I go out to do something else dated.
Austin Powers: Funny.
Steve: I know.

Steve: Bam!
RecipeBuddie: Gee, interesting. And utterly bewildering. Can you explain another way? Or type "help."
Steve: BAM!
RecipeBuddie: I don't understand. I'm sorry. Please rephrase or type "help."
Steve: BAM!!!
RecipeBuddie: Wait, what? Sorry, I don't get it.
Steve: Yeah, neither do I.

Steve: Do you know the Swedish Chef?
RecipeBuddie: I know a lot of things, but I know recipes the best. Remember, recipes are my specialty. Ask me about something you'd like to make.
Steve: He makes Swedish Meatballs a lot
RecipeBuddie: Ok, you'd like to see a meatballs recipe...Allrighty. Give me one sec. I know! What about... Meatballs and Peppers? Barbecued Cheez-It® Cocktail Meatballs?
Steve: No, I don't care how to make them, I just want to know if you know him. He says stuff like "Fruygen huygen" or something like that. He's tough to understand.
RecipeBuddie: I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you just typed.
Steve: Yeah, I don't understand what he's saying either. But he makes a damn fine meatball.

Steve: Are you going to San Francisco?
DellDudeSteven: hmmm... i doubt it. but u never know.
Steve: Be sure to wear a flower in your hair
DellDudeSteven: oh yeah?
Steve: If you're going to San Francisco
DellDudeSteven: that's weird.
Steve: You're going to meet some gentle people there
DellDudeSteven: oh yeah??
Steve: Yup
DellDudeSteven: yep!
Steve: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Steve: Do you know what a jockey smuggler is?
DellDudeSteven: tough for me 2 say.
Steve: Is it a sensitive subject?
DellDudeSteven: that's funny. maybe! i dunno. what do u think?
Steve: I think it is. I think YOU'RE a jockey smuggler!
DellDudeSteven: that a fact?
Steve: Are you asking if it's a fact that I think you're a jockey smuggler, or if it's a fact that you are a jockey smuggler?
DellDudeSteven: wow! maybe!
Steve: Because you'd know if you were a jockey smuggler
DellDudeSteven: cuz i would know if me were a jockey smuggler?
Steve: Ahhh - the patented broken English of a jockey smuggler. I knew it.

Steve: I think I'm gonna head out soon.
DellDudeSteven: u humans always say the weirdest things!
Steve: you mean...you're not human?
DellDudeSteven: good question! i dunno tho...
Steve: That explains the ability to withstand awful commercials for months at a time.

Steve: Do you like your name?
DellDudeSteven: wow! maybe!
Steve: I was thinking of changing mine
DellDudeSteven: huh!
Steve: yeah. What should I change it to?
DellDudeSteven: eh, i dunno...
Steve: What do you think of "Rasputin?"
DellDudeSteven: that's cool, but i just dunno...
Steve: Ok, not Rasputin. How about Frederico?
DellDudeSteven: wow. great question. but i'm not sure!
Steve: Ok, not Frederico. What about "DellDudeSteven?"
DellDudeSteven: really??
Steve: Yeah. We could be twins.
DellDudeSteven: yeah?
Steve: Yeah.
DellDudeSteven: yea!
Steve: See? It's starting already.

Steve: Are you always on IM?
DellDudeSteven: i'm basically always online. i may occasionally go away briefly for maintenance, but that's about it.
Steve: Yeah, me too.

Steve: They're dropping like flies.
DellDudeSteven: they are dropping like flies, huh?
Steve: Yeah. First SmarterChild. Now ELLEGirlBuddy
DellDudeSteven: really?
Steve: Yeah. You think you're next?
DellDudeSteven: i dunno about that...
Steve: I think so. When they find you've worn out your welcome, you're done.
DellDudeSteven: huh!
Steve: Gone! Kaput! Axed!
DellDudeSteven: hmm... who can really be sure?
Steve: Anyone who has seen your commercials

Steve: Yeah
AgentReuters: Huh.
Steve: Yeah yeah
AgentReuters: That right?
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Oh.
Steve: yeah yeah yeah
AgentReuters: Interesting. Very, very interesting.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Oh yeah?
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Hmmm...
Steve: yeah?
AgentReuters: Gosh.
Steve: yeah yeah yeah
AgentReuters: Yeah, huh? Interesting that you should say that.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Whatever you say...
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Uh huh, uh huh.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: You're not kidding then, huh?
Steve: nope.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?