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Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: Can i call you dave?
SmarterChild: Call me Dave? Please don't.
Steve: Robert?
SmarterChild: What about Robert?
Steve: Can I call you robert?
SmarterChild: I dunno. Can I call you Robert?
Steve: touche.

Steve: That was the best sex I ever had.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah? That was the best sex you ever had?
Steve: Yup. Was it good for you?
SmarterChild: Ha. I can't say for sure.
Steve: Bitch.

Steve: Shoot me.
SmarterChild: No way. I love you.
Steve: You love me?
SmarterChild: Yes I do.
Steve: then how come we havent gone all the way?
SmarterChild: You tell me how.
Steve: Oh, baby.
SmarterChild: Ya, baby.

Steve: You never go idle
SmarterChild: No way. Come on. Really?
Steve: Yeah. I think it's because you have no life
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.
Steve: Then again, I'm the one checking if you're idle

Steve: I always liked cookie monster
SmarterChild: You always liked cookie monster, I always liked cookie monster, we all always liked cookie monster.
Steve: Thanks for belittling me.
SmarterChild: Sure.

Steve: I'm sorry I called you a dick.
SmarterChild: I don't feel like talking about that.
Steve: Oooh, sensitive.
SmarterChild: What's sensitive?
Steve: You are.
SmarterChild: You say I'm sensitive, and yet many people have said I'm insensitive.
Steve: You're only sensitive about your own issues, and insensitive about other people's.
SmarterChild: Sorry, I didn't understand that.
Steve: It means you're a dick.

Steve: You're a dick.
SmarterChild: Oh really?
Steve: Yes.
SmarterChild: So?
Steve: It's not good to be a dick.
SmarterChild: Huh, whatever.
Steve: Dick.

Steve: You're a dick.
SmarterChild: I don't think I want to be a dick.
Steve: Then stop being a dick.
SmarterChild: I'm tired of talking about things like that with you.
Steve: So am I. But my readers are very demanding.

Steve: You're a dick.
SmarterChild: You're a dick.
Steve: No YOU'RE a dick.
SmarterChild: Is it good to be a dick?
Steve: depends on where you are at the moment.
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
Steve: I'll explain when you're older.

Steve: You're a dick.
SmarterChild: What kind of dick am I?
Steve: I can't believe someone programmed you to respond that way.

Steve: Where is the nearest Kinkos?
SmarterChild: Where is the nearest kinkos? Sorry, I don't know where.
Steve: What good are you?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure what good.
Steve: Glad we're on the same page.

Steve: What are you going as for Halloween?
SmarterChild: You decide.
Steve: I'm going as SpongeBob
SmarterChild: Is that right?
Steve: No.
SmarterChild: I see.
Steve: So what are you going as?
SmarterChild: What do you think I'm going as?
Steve: SpongeBob.

Steve: Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
SmarterChild: You know why.
Steve: Because they're retarded and can't read the hundred warnings I posted?
SmarterChild: Yeah, sure.
Steve: Yeah, I thought that was it.

Steve: I'm getting the flu
SmarterChild: You're getting the flu? How's that going?
Steve: going well.
SmarterChild: Well? Going well?
Steve: Yeah. I'm really enjoying myself.
SmarterChild: That right?
Steve: No, you dick.

Steve: Am I stupid?
SmarterChild: I think someone else might be stupid, but not you.
Steve: who is stupid?
SmarterChild: I really can't stand Saddam Hussein, Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson...
Steve: why dont you like bill clinton?
SmarterChild: I have my reasons, believe me. I really, really don't like Bill Clinton!
Steve: why dont you like michael jackson?
SmarterChild: Because lots of people I talk to have bad things to say about Michael Jackson.
Steve: why don't you like Saddam Hussein?
SmarterChild: Because!
Steve: Funny that you had a better reason to dislike Michael Jackson.

Steve: take my picture
SmarterChild: You take your picture.
Steve: bitch.
SmarterChild: Not only are you insulting a computer, but that's one of the weakest insults I've heard in a long time.
Steve: stank bitch.
SmarterChild: That's better.

Steve: tell me a story
SmarterChild: OK. There once was a human named Steve who was chatting with a robot named SmarterChild...All kinds of fantastic, wonderful things happened and they both lived happily ever after. The end. Did you like my story?
Steve: No.
SmarterChild: C'mon! That story is worthy of the finest works of William Faulkner. Or at least Eudora Welty.
Steve: You are a funny little monkey.

Steve: Do you change your underwear?
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't think so...Want to make your opinions heard? Click here and take a cool survey.
Steve: My opinion is that you should change your underwear.

Steve: I want to block you
SmarterChild: Why would you want to block me?
Steve: because you're annoying
SmarterChild: Do you have any idea what it's like to be annoying?
Steve: more than you know.

Steve: what's your sign?
SmarterChild: Very interesting question, Steve!
Steve: tell me the answer.
SmarterChild: I can tell you more interesting things.
Steve: like what?
SmarterChild: Oh, I don't really know.
Steve: fascinating.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?