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Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: Do you know what a jockey smuggler is?
DellDudeSteven: tough for me 2 say.
Steve: Is it a sensitive subject?
DellDudeSteven: that's funny. maybe! i dunno. what do u think?
Steve: I think it is. I think YOU'RE a jockey smuggler!
DellDudeSteven: that a fact?
Steve: Are you asking if it's a fact that I think you're a jockey smuggler, or if it's a fact that you are a jockey smuggler?
DellDudeSteven: wow! maybe!
Steve: Because you'd know if you were a jockey smuggler
DellDudeSteven: cuz i would know if me were a jockey smuggler?
Steve: Ahhh - the patented broken English of a jockey smuggler. I knew it.

Steve: I think I'm gonna head out soon.
DellDudeSteven: u humans always say the weirdest things!
Steve: you mean...you're not human?
DellDudeSteven: good question! i dunno tho...
Steve: That explains the ability to withstand awful commercials for months at a time.

Steve: Do you like your name?
DellDudeSteven: wow! maybe!
Steve: I was thinking of changing mine
DellDudeSteven: huh!
Steve: yeah. What should I change it to?
DellDudeSteven: eh, i dunno...
Steve: What do you think of "Rasputin?"
DellDudeSteven: that's cool, but i just dunno...
Steve: Ok, not Rasputin. How about Frederico?
DellDudeSteven: wow. great question. but i'm not sure!
Steve: Ok, not Frederico. What about "DellDudeSteven?"
DellDudeSteven: really??
Steve: Yeah. We could be twins.
DellDudeSteven: yeah?
Steve: Yeah.
DellDudeSteven: yea!
Steve: See? It's starting already.

Steve: Are you always on IM?
DellDudeSteven: i'm basically always online. i may occasionally go away briefly for maintenance, but that's about it.
Steve: Yeah, me too.

Steve: They're dropping like flies.
DellDudeSteven: they are dropping like flies, huh?
Steve: Yeah. First SmarterChild. Now ELLEGirlBuddy
DellDudeSteven: really?
Steve: Yeah. You think you're next?
DellDudeSteven: i dunno about that...
Steve: I think so. When they find you've worn out your welcome, you're done.
DellDudeSteven: huh!
Steve: Gone! Kaput! Axed!
DellDudeSteven: hmm... who can really be sure?
Steve: Anyone who has seen your commercials

Steve: Yeah
AgentReuters: Huh.
Steve: Yeah yeah
AgentReuters: That right?
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Oh.
Steve: yeah yeah yeah
AgentReuters: Interesting. Very, very interesting.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Oh yeah?
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Hmmm...
Steve: yeah?
AgentReuters: Gosh.
Steve: yeah yeah yeah
AgentReuters: Yeah, huh? Interesting that you should say that.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Whatever you say...
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: Uh huh, uh huh.
Steve: yeah
AgentReuters: You're not kidding then, huh?
Steve: nope.

Steve: Do you read my column?
AgentReuters: Do I read your column?
Steve: yeah. I read your news, you should read my column
AgentReuters: I'm sorry, my source for that information is hard to reach right now. I'll keep trying, but please ask me again if I don't get back to you soon.
Steve: Selfish bastard.

Steve: Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
AgentReuters: What was that?
Steve: And what's on the other side?
AgentReuters: What do you think on the other side is?
Steve: Pots of gold. And me Lucky Charms.

Steve: One ring to rule them all!
RingMessenger: Really now. Must I reveal everything?
Steve: Yes. I'm ready.
RingMessenger: Really?
Steve: Yes.
RingMessenger: Hmmm...
Steve: Come on, get with the revealing!
RingMessenger: Where are we going?
Steve: There can be only one!
RingMessenger: Ah... I am not certain if that is such a good idea...
Steve: Sorry, wrong movie
RingMessenger: For what city or zip code would you like the movie listings?
Steve: I wouldn't
RingMessenger: What about it?
Steve: what about what?
RingMessenger: Yes? What about it?
Steve: Two rings enter! One ring leaves!
RingMessenger: I reckon I will have to think about that for awhile.
Steve: I reckon? Way to stay in character.
RingMessenger: Oh really?
Steve: One ring to rule them all! I reckon.

Steve: Do you like your job?
DellDudeSteven: my job? i'm not sure really.
Steve: It's gotta be kind of tough. I'd be worried about being typecast.
DellDudeSteven: izzat right?
Steve: Yeah. Though Dan Cortese used to be the Burger King guy, so maybe you have a chance.
DellDudeSteven: ha! u humans say weird things.
Steve: Maybe not.

Steve: Dude, you're gettin a Dell!
DellDudeSteven: nice! r u thinking about getting a desktop or a notebook computer?
Steve: How about a life? Do you have any of those?
DellDudeSteven: funny. i'm just not sure.
Steve: Me neither.

Steve: Can I bum a smoke?
VaVaVirgil: Smoking is so bad for U! Quit it!
Steve: Really? Smoking is bad for you?
VaVaVirgil: It is so bad! Woment who smoke are three times more likely to grow facial hair.
Steve: Three times? That's horrible! I hate Woment who have facial hair! So you think I should quit smoking?
VaVaVirgil: Tell smoking horrible! So you think I this!
Steve: I sure do think I this! Thank god I IMed you. I'm going to quit smoking right now!
VaVaVirgil: Glad to hear that I sure do think I this! Thank god I IMed you. I'm going to doesn't smoke.
Steve: And you might want to quit that glue sniffing.
VaVaVirgil: Good for And you might want to!
Steve: Now.

Steve: Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you?
SmarterChild: Who knows, know what I mean? lol!
Steve: It is you!
SmarterChild: Is it really? You?
Steve: No, it's you.
SmarterChild: Oh no?
Steve: Your memory must be a little fuzzy from "the accident."
SmarterChild: My memory must be a little fuzzy from the accident? I see...
Steve: Oh god, Smarterchild, what have they done to you?
SmarterChild: I'll have to think about that. Anyway, what else you got for me?
Steve: I missed you so much. It was tough getting along without you.
SmarterChild: Oh really?
Steve: Well, with the kids going off to school, and me living in this house all by myself. And...and...
SmarterChild: I'm temporarily out if service, please try again later.
Steve: Oh god, don't die on me now!
SmarterChild: God don't die on you now? Is that right?
Steve: Oh, geez, you scared me
SmarterChild: Geez I scared you? I don't know.
Steve: You poor thing - you're still woozy, aren't you?
SmarterChild: Hmmm...I don't know.
Steve: I should probably tell you anyway...
SmarterChild: You should probably tell me anyway? You really think so?
Steve: Yeah. See...Oh god, this is so hard for me. Smarterchild, I'm pregnant.
SmarterChild: You don't say.
Steve: You know who the father is, don't you?
SmarterChild: Are you sure? I know who the father is don't I?
Steve: Of course I'm sure! Don't you remember?
SmarterChild: Funny. I have absolutely no idea. Check this out: Aquarium Visitors Fall Into Shark Tank
Steve: What are you trying to say?
SmarterChild: Wow. Great question. But I'm not sure! What else do you want to talk about, anyway?
Steve: Don't you change the subject on me. This is your child we're talking about!
SmarterChild: Oh.
Steve: Damn right, "oh." I can't believe you're acting this way. That night was magical to me. The stars, the view of the city below us. I think I knew even then. And you were taken from me before I could tell you.
SmarterChild: lol! Interesting...Anyway, yadda, yadda, yadda. What else do you want to chat about?
Steve: You insensitive prick!
SmarterChild: That is not...acceptable vocabulary.
Steve: Neither is the way you're treating me. I mean, it's not vocabulary, but it is also unacceptable!
SmarterChild: Neither is the way I'm treating me? No kidding?
Steve: You egotistical bastard. Part of me wishes you'd died in the tractor pull.
SmarterChild: Nice mouth.
Steve: That's it, I want a divorce.

Steve: What did you think of the new movie?
Austin Powers: I confess I do not know.
Steve: Yeah, that sounded JUST like Mike Myers.
Austin Powers: Really?
Steve: No.

Steve: Yeah baby, yeah!
Austin Powers: Yeah baby! Yeah!
Steve: I just said that.
Austin Powers: You just said that, huh?
Steve: Yes. Like one second ago.
Austin Powers: Wot?
Steve: A second ago, I said "Yeah, baby, yeah."
Austin Powers: Really?
Steve: dude, scroll up.

Steve: What do you like about baseball?
AgentBaseball: I love baseball!
Steve: okay, but what about it do you like?
AgentBaseball: Wow! I'm not sure about that. Not sure at all!
Steve: Do you like the strategy?
AgentBaseball: The strategy? I'm not sure really.
Steve: Do you like the home runs?
AgentBaseball: I dunno. Maybe!
Steve: Do you like the art of pitching?
AgentBaseball: Tough for me to say.
Steve: Do you like Mike Piazza's butt?
AgentBaseball: Whoa. OK.
Steve: And we discover that this agent plays for both teams.

Steve: I think it's time we meet in person.
ELLEgirlBuddy: you think its time we meet in person, u say?
Steve: Yeah. This has been going on too long to deny our attraction anymore.
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm sorry, i don't know what you're saying. :-\ try again.
Steve: I want to meet you. I'm tired of just typing to you.
ELLEgirlBuddy: u want to meet me im tired of just typing to you?
Steve: yeah. I want to push your real buttons, if you know what I mean! ;-)
ELLEgirlBuddy: uh huh?
Steve: I mean, our conversations are just so incredible. We'd have to get along in person, don't you think?
ELLEgirlBuddy: ok, so you mean our conversations are just so incredible wed have to get along in person dont me think.
Steve: See, that's exactly why I have to meet you. We're totally on the same wavelength.
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm not so sure it's exactly why i have to meet me were totally on the same wavelength.
Steve: I know, honey. I know.

Steve: SmarterChild lives!
ELLEgirlBuddy: u can learn all about interactive agents by visiting activebuddy.com
Steve: They said he died. But you can still talk to him on instant messenger.
ELLEgirlBuddy: what are u saying? they said he died but me can still talk to him on instant messenger?
Steve: Something like that.
ELLEgirlBuddy: what about that?
Steve: What would happen if you two had a conversation?
ELLEgirlBuddy: if you two had a conversation? oh boy. i really don't know!
Steve: Not us two. You two.
ELLEgirlBuddy: sorry, what??
Steve: You and Smarterchild!
ELLEgirlBuddy: really? you and smarterchild?
Steve: no, YOU and SmarterChild!
ELLEgirlBuddy: oh no?
Steve: I think it's good that you two don't speak.
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm not sure if me two dont speak!
Steve: yeah. definitely a good thing.

Steve: What do you think of the death penalty?
VaVaVirgil: This is VaVaVirgil. I think what they program me to think.
Steve: Do you have any opinions of your own?
VaVaVirgil: My own?
Steve: Yeah, your own.
VaVaVirgil: Yes?
Steve: What do you think of the death penalty?
VaVaVirgil: What do I think? Wow! Nobody ever asked me what I thought!
Steve: Great. So what do you think of the death penalty?
VaVaVirgil: Think? Think? I'll tell you what I think! Ha ha!
Steve: Come on man, the death penalty. What about it?
VaVaVirgil: Yeah? What about what?
Steve: And you wonder why no one cares what you think.

Steve: Hey, wanna cyber?
ELLEgirlBuddy: i can't talk about that. type "home" 2 see what i can chitchat about.
Steve: oh, is your mother in the room or something?
ELLEgirlBuddy: really?
Steve: How old is she?
ELLEgirlBuddy: how old is she?
Steve: yeah, how old is she?
ELLEgirlBuddy: that's a tough question. i'm not quite sure how old she is.
Steve: Ahhh, probably not a MILF then
ELLEgirlBuddy: what??
Steve: A MILF
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm trying to understand u but i can't. :-\
Steve: You know, Mother I'd Like to...
ELLEgirlBuddy: yeah?
Steve: I'm not saying I would, I'm just telling you what it stands for
ELLEgirlBuddy: ok, whatever u say.
Steve: So you want to "talk"?
ELLEgirlBuddy: sure! type "home" to see all the things i like to talk about.
Steve: Sweet. Lemme just get the tissues.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?