Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Seacrest! Out!
7/200/04

There were no warnings. I saw no horsemen. I saw no signs of earlier plagues. Could someone please explain to me how we let Ryan Seacrest happen?

The first time I heard of Ryan Seacrest was when I accidentally watched twenty minutes of the first season of American Idol. It was a proud moment, as I picked Kelly Clarkson to win the whole thing just from just that episode (I haven't watched the show since). But that's just because she was the hot one.

Seacrest hosted the show with some other guy whose name it took me an hour to find on the internet. The other host turned out to be Brian Dunkleman, who has done little to nothing on TV since. There was that one cameo in "Miss Match." Slightly less impressive than being the new golden boy of pop culture.

I respect how hard Seacrest works. But I don't understand why he was able to get this famous. He doesn't ask interesting questions. He's not particularly witty. He's twice as old as his fan base. But he does have really spiky hair, so maybe that's it.

Seacrest started in radio, but broke into TV as a correspondent for "Extra" in 1994 when he was just 20 years old. His TV career didn't see much action after that, until he guest hosted "Talk Soup" five years later. A guest spot on "Hey Arnold!" and another on "Beverly Hills 90210" were the only other things he landed before American Idol. And then it happened: Ryan Seacrest was thrust upon America.

I don't have a particular problem with Seacrest. Sure, he's kind of annoying, and "Seacrest Out" is the most forced catch phrase I've ever heard. But he could be a nice guy – just a regular dude with hundreds of millions of dollars, who puts his leather pants on one leg at a time. My problem, however, is twofold. One, he's famous because someone wanted him to be and two, if he does have any talent, no one cares.

American Idol is an incredibly manufactured show. Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman were hired to be good cop bad cop, or maybe good host bad host, and Dunkleman was cast to the side pretty quickly. Rumor has it Dunkleman wasn't asked back because he wasn't mean enough – because he didn't play Simon Cowell's game.

Seacrest, in the meantime, was given a contract for almost a million dollars for the second season. Maybe audiences genuinely vibed with him. Maybe it was the spikey hair. Or maybe you just can't become famous if your last name is Dunkleman. My condolences to Tim Dunkleman, who coaches high school basketball in Christiansburg, Virginia and will probably not make it to the big leagues. Thank you, internet.

We know where Brian Dunkleman's talent lies– he's now breaking in as a standup comic. I can't tell what Seacrest is talented at, however. That's because I've only seen him pander to celebrities and read terrible copy off a teleprompter. Maybe his talent is being able to read that garbage with a straight face.

Seacrest has one of the biggest stages in the world – his own TV show. But all his show really does is promote hair products. David Letterman and Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno and Jon Stewart all have talk shows because their personalities are a large part of the product. And I can't figure out Seacrest's personality because his talk show has nothing to do with him. If Fox wanted to pluck another spiky headed metrosexual out of their talent pool and pump him as just much, Seacrest could be replaced. (And probably will be as he gets older).

I know that he's got a lot of fans. And I know that I'm going to get a ton of letters telling me I don't know what I'm talking about and Ryan Seacrest is a very talented individual and he's soooooo hOT!!!!!!1111. And I welcome those letters as long as they explain one thing – what is Seacrest's talent? Don't just tell me he's a good host or he does his job well or he's soooooo hOT!!!!!!1111 Tell me why Ryan Seacrest is indispensable.

And make sure you tell the Dunkleman's, too.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?