BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now
"Laughs" Live! Shows:
Detroit, MI      Chicago, IL      Phoenix, AZ      Charlotte, NC      Washington, DC     
Dayton, OH      Chicago, IL      Houston, TX      Dallas, TX     


The Column

The Show Went On
2/13/05

As I kneeled over a bucket, throwing up for the 15th time in 30 minutes, my friend said to me, "Sure, you feel terrible now. But this is going to make a great column."

When you're as sick as I was Friday night, it's hard to think about anything other than the feeling in your stomach and the taste in your mouth. Well, there's the sweet release of death, but I only prayed for that two or three times.

I was at Muhlenberg College, preparing to do a show, when the food poisoning hit me. I assume it was food poisoning, because I've never heard of a 12-hour flu. I'd eaten a soup and a salad for lunch because, ironically, my stomach wasn't feeling great from my lack of sleep the night before. So when I proceeded to feel worse throughout the day, I didn't think it was because of what I ate. I assumed it was because the housekeepers had a party outside my door early that morning.

I'm not sure if it was a party, but it was loud. Having gotten in at 4AM the previous night, I made sure to put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. What that meant was that housekeepers were not allowed to knock on my door, but they were allowed to yell to each other just outside of it.

"Room 309 has the do not disturb sign up."

"WHAT?"

"ROOM 309 HAS THE DO NOT DISTURB SIGN UP!"

"OH. THEN I GUESS WE BETTER BE QUIET."

"YES! WE SHOULD STOP SCREAMING IMEDIATELY!"

I got the soup and salad because I was wondering if my tired stomach could take the grilled cheese and fries I was going to order. Be safe, I thought. Soup and salad. Easy enough.

As I kneeled over a bucket, throwing up for the 15th time in 30 minutes, I said to myself, "I should have had the grilled cheese."

There was another problem - not only did I feel terrible, but I had a show to do. I gathered myself together, washed out the bucket, and went on stage. I think someone drove me to the show in between, but I was too delirious to remember exactly what happened.

I performed for a half hour before I couldn't take it anymore. I thanked everyone for coming, and found the nearest drain. Fellow comedian and traveling partner Steve Boyer finished the show. In the fifteen minutes between when I got off stage and when the show ended, I threw up twice and passed out on a desk in the hallway.

As I lay there on that desk hovering over a bucket, almost throwing up for the 20th time that night, one member of the audience said to me, "you're really sick, huh?"

"No." I replied. "This is an elaborate ruse so people will feel bad for me and laugh more."

Hey, I was sick, I wasn't dead. The day I'm too sick to be sarcastic is the day I'm too sick to talk.

The food poisoning passed the next day, and I ate a bowl of jello and a few pretzels. I also managed a can of ginger ale. Canada Dry should have commercials for just such an occasion.

"When you feel like you're dying, try some Canada Dry! Don't remember the name? It's "Dry" - just like the heaves you had last night!"

While I was sick, I couldn't think of anything other than the pain and how slow the clock was moving. Less than 24 hours later, I didn't even remember how bad I felt. That's the amazing thing about being sick - you forget about it pretty quickly. Well, that's ONE of the amazing things. The other amazing things are too disgusting to print.

I am proud that I was still able to perform. And I'm glad that after the show, we drove to New York where my mother took care of me until I felt better this morning. That's the odd dichotomy of my life right now. I'm old enough to stubbornly insist on going to work despite being sick, but young enough that after work, I still needed my mother. (A necessity which may never go away).

I like I earned a badge last night by having the show go on despite how I felt. And to all comedians, musicians, and other performers who are in a similar position, I have one piece of advice: If you happen to eat at the Allentown Friendly's on Cedar Crest Boulevard, get the grilled cheese.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?