Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

Mine is Bigger Than Yours
5/121/05

According to a recent study, the myth that Chinese men have smaller genitals is just that - a myth. Of course, the study was conducted in Hong Kong.

I've got a feeling the results of this study would have been kept quiet if the Chinese hadn't measured up.

"How's it coming with that genital study?"

"Didn't work out. Yeah, nothing conclusive."

"Why are you running out of the room?"

Of course, they'd say that all in Chinese.

Anyway, the study isn't what got me. What got me is that it took a team of scientists five months to measure 148 volunteers. All of the volunteers were measured flaccid, so it's not like they needed any special preparation. Let's say it took five minutes to measure each guy, and they measure each one five times just to be sure. With one scientist, it'd take five 12-hour work days. With a team of scientists, you could do it all in a day. But it took five months. Maybe one guy kept watching Baywatch before he went in, throwing the measurements off. (After all, the show is very popular in other countries).

At the end of the study, the scientists were able to compare their results to similar studies done in Germany, Italy, Turkey, Israel, The Phillipines, and America. And then the question becomes, what the heck are we spending our money on?

There have been tons of studies about how teenagers are now using prescription drugs to "get high." Which is a great way to spend our money, instead of simply looking around at any high school or college in America. Then again, the people looking are so out of touch they still talk about drugs with phrases like "get high." (Incidentally, I'm not a chicken, but you're a turkey).

We study things like the sweatiest city in America, that better weather and the ability to attract people with money increases tourism, and how watching golf can improve your golf swing. Incidentally, the sweatiest city is El Paso. The people who studied that probably took their money and are now touring the country playing golf in nice weather.

Studies seem to come in three forms: useful, obvious, and who really cares? Perhaps the residents of El Paso take a certain pride knowing that they are sweatier than Milwaukee, but I'd rather we spend that money studying how to stop us from spending so much on studies.

Of course nice weather increases tourism. But it took a team of researchers at Michigan State University to make it official. Rumor has it they asked a few of their friends if they wanted to go out on a rainy day, and their friends replied, "nah." But it took another twelve months to analyze the data.

And watching professional golfers would most certainly help people get better at golf. That's what happens when you watch professionals do something - you pick up tips on how to do it yourself. I'm glad that a student and professor at the University of Western Ontario teamed up for the results of this one. The student says he got better at conducting useless studies by watching the professor in action, but I won't know for sure until I commission a study.

Knowledge is good, and we should want to know the answer to every question. But there are better and more pressing questions. Ones that will produce more relevant answers than "El Paso."

Maybe the size of male genitalia is more important to the Chinese way of life than I am assuming. Or maybe not, considering there's a limit on children over there. But I believe that the results will change nothing. People will still make hacky jokes based on pre-conceived racist concepts. I don't picture someone interrupting such a joke to say, "You're wrong! There was this study..."

As an aside, the studies list Italians as the largest of those countries, and men from the Philippines as the smallest and thus most likely to buy sports cars. A follow-up study suggests that knowing that the men in the Philippines have slightly smaller genitals than everyone else could really hurt tourism.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?