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The Column

Forgetting Paris

A friend recently asked me if I would have sex with Paris Hilton. Not in the same kind of way my friend would ask me if I wanted to grab coffee, because I actually have a shot at grabbing coffee. She asked me hypothetically - because that's the only way I could ever have the opportunity to have sex with Paris Hilton.

So, hypothetically, I have to think about it. I don't want to give my friend an answer that is half-baked. I want to analyze the question carefully just in case I actually had to face this choice - you know, if the laws of the universe ever collapsed.

Obviously Paris Hilton is hot - if another woman who looked like her wanted to sleep with me, the answer would probably be yes. But that is not the question. The question is Paris Hilton.

First, there's the money issue. Most guys want to sleep with her because they think they can somehow come down with a case of wealth - they may come down with something else, but we'll discuss that later. When rich women sleep with regular guys, they don't also give them a million dollars. And my friend's question is not if I'd be willing to be her paid man-slave, it is if I'd be willing to have sex with her once. So money can not factor into my decision.

Maybe the parties are a reason why. If you sleep with Paris Hilton, you get to go to cool parties, right? Not necessarily. The people that sleep with her and go to cool parties would go to cool parties anyway. Rick Solomon was famous before he starred in their movie, and Nick Carter is a Backstreet Boy. Sleeping with Paris Hilton will not automatically get me into any cool parties. Though it may get me into some clinics - but we'll discuss that later.

What about the bragging rights - those have got to be worth it, right? What a story to tell! I'd be the hit of every party, even though they wouldn't be especially cool parties. What's a better story than having sex with Paris Hilton? Well, turning down Paris Hilton makes a good story, too. Plenty of guys have had sex with her. But how many have honestly turned her down?

And then, there's her pure hotness. The woman oozes sex appeal - among other things, but we'll discuss that later. No matter how much you dislike her personality, her past, or her public relations, you'd be blind to admit she's not sexy. Her hotness was confirmed when a tape of her naked became the most watched thing ever. I don't have stats to back that up, but I'm pretty sure it blew the last episode of Mash clear out of the water. For those who say that tape was spread around just because she was famous, I say "balderdash!" And then I'll explain that what balderdash means is that her fame helped the tape spread, but her hotness made it spread farther and faster. No one would have been file-sharing a greenish bootleg of Bea Arthur. Though, much like a car-wreck, I'd probably glance at it before speeding away, happy I wasn't involved.

Yes, Paris is hot - in theory. Hotness is directly tied in to how many guys a girl has already slept with. And, I'm still just speculating, but I think she's taken more hits than her website (oh, snap!).

What about her personality? I don't know her, so I just have to answer based on what she looks like in the media - which is a self-aggrandizing conceited un-feeling racist, and that makes her kind of ugly. While many people don't have to like a girl's personality to sleep with her, I only like girls who I don't want to strangle in the morning. I am, of course, just speculating.

I also promised I'd get to the possible issue of disease. While Paris probably has PR people reminding her to use protection before and while she's having sex, I'd be scared that anyone that promiscuous could be, well, oozing something other than sex appeal. Yes, I know it's gross, but so is Chlamydia.

That brings me to my well thought out answer. Having sex with Paris Hilton wouldn't lead to money or cool parties, she's not as hot as she looks, her personality seems abhorrent, she might give me the clap, and I'd have more bragging rights if I turned her down.

So, in closing, yes, I would have sex with Paris Hilton.

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