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The Column

The Mirth of America
7/3/05

Two years ago, I wrote a column about how much I love America. Last year, I wrote another about the silly things that happen in other countries. This year, it's only fair that I address some of the silliness we find within our own borders.

A new comic book entitled, "Hell, Michigan," recently debuted with stories of ax murderers and divine retribution fictitiously taking place in the real town. Residents of the real Hell, Michigan say the stories are nothing like their town, and remind them much more of Detroit.

The Redneck Games, featuring events like bobbing for pig feet, the mud-pit belly flop, and the armpit serenade, are currently in their tenth year in Georgia. For the last three years, organizers have had to keep track of the anniversaries by counting the fingers on the hands of two of the participants. The event is covered by Redneck World Magazine, estimated to have 350,000 subscribers and 27 readers.

A Pennsylvania teenager was arrested for riding a bicycle in nothing but sandals. Cops later discovered the bike to be stolen, though I'm guessing the original owner doesn't want it back.

In Santa Barbara, A 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested named Sam won the annual World's Ugliest Dog contest for the third straight year. Sam's only hair is on his head, his snout is equipped with a line of warts, his blind eyes are white, and his teeth jut out at all angles. However, Sam's friends insist he has a great personality.

South Carolina barbecue chain "Sticky Fingers" purchased stickyfingers.com for $6,000 from pornographers in order to prevent patrons from accidentally stumbling onto the nude pictures. Several patrons were outraged at the purchase saying, "that was the only reason I ate there."

A Salt Lake City woman sold a tattoo on her forehead for $10,000 in order to pay for her child's private school. The Utah child, who now has a mother with a forehead that reads "GoldenPalace.com," is choosing between private schools in Maine and Alaska.

A West Virginia woman pleaded guilty to smuggling pot to her jailed fiancé in their baby's diaper. Prison guards were alerted to the scam when the man proclaimed, "this pot smells like crap!"

A New York City school teacher resigned after it was discovered that his sick days were used to tour with the WWE instead of caring for an ill sister, like he claimed. The wrestler says it didn't hurt his job and the kids tested well "because I taught them!," while investigators allege the kids scored high because "they knew he could eat them!"

An man's bid of $351,100 won him a private lunch with Omaha's billionaire investor Warren Buffet. Buffet's first piece of investment advice to the bidder will be how to get lunch for under a quarter of a million dollars.

A Kentucky man was arrested for the second time in two months for DUI, both times while on horseback. A third strike could force the man to relinquish his horse and return to the 1830s.

And in more driving news, authorities arrested a repeat offender in Minnesota for driving his motorcycle over 205 miles per hour. Police charged him with speeding, reckless driving, violating his probation, and being totally badass.

In recently declassified documents, former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger referred to Indira Ghandi as a "bitch" and the Indian people "bastards." The remarkable thing is not the comments or the apology Kissinger made thereafter, it's that anyone could understand anything Kissinger said.

And so that Americans don't feel completely responsible for the world's problems, I should tell you about Sanjai Shah, a Kenyon man who has been living at an airport in Nairobi for the last year while waiting for British citizenship. Shah said his ordeal wasn't easy, having to sleep on uncomfortable chairs and eat bad food. He is looking forward to starting a life in England, where they have very comfortable chairs.

Happy 4th!

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?