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The Column

Higher and Higher
2/15/04

Did you ever hear the urban legend about the bunch of teachers who accidentally ate a caked laced with pot? Okay, so it's not an urban legend. It actually happened in Lueneburg, Germany Thursday. But it's so dumb it sounds like it could be in a B movie with that chick from Mr. Holland's Opus.

Here's the situation: A chocolate cake was anonymously left at the door to the staff room, and the teachers ate it without asking any questions as to its origin or why it tasted funny. Brilliant.

Maybe Germans are a more trusting people than Americans. But I'd think that not eating anonymous cakes is a bit of a given. You learn that stuff as a kid – even in Germany. Don't eat a cake that is sitting on your doorstep. That's a lesson you are taught just after you learn to look both ways before you cross the street, because people may be driving on the wrong side of it.

The funniest part is that the teachers didn't know they were high – they just thought they had food poisoning. These teachers must have not been tenured, because if they were they'd have been old enough to remember the 1960s.

I have never tried pot. But I can say that if I did, I wouldn't think I had food poisoning. I had food poisoning once, and it made me throw up for two weeks. If that's what pot does to you, there wouldn't be such a big of market. (I've just set myself up to get all kinds of letters from people attempting to explain what pot does to you. However, the writers of these letters will get distracted after the subject line and instead send a treatise on how Scooby-Doo was a total stoner.)

I can just imagine the conversation that went on in that staff room.

"I had some of that cake, and I spent the last half hour talking about how weird it'd be if god were praying to us."

"I think you have food poisoning."

"That's awful. Wanna watch Scooby-Doo?"

The teachers probably freaked out and ran to the doctor paranoid that they were sick. And paranoia is another clear sign of food poisoning. I'm guessing that on the way, they stopped at a convenience store to buy a great deal of food poisoning medication, known to the layperson as Doritos.

"I hear these settle your stomach. They're Nacho Cheesier."

I'm kidding, of course. Nobody ran anywhere. They were high. They probably drove, but really slowly. Maybe even on the right side of the road.

According to Reuters, a police spokesman said that the reason the teachers had not suspected anything was "because it was customary for them to buy cakes from the schoolchildren as part of a fund-raising project." I take two things from this statement. One, the police are now involved. Two, this is a very fat town. I can understand the occasional bake sale, but an ongoing "sell the teachers cake" project? Perhaps instead of those little milks, they serve half and half with school lunches.

Even if it was routine for teachers to scarf a cake every day, they still BOUGHT these cakes, so their excuse doesn't convince me. I doubt there was a bill left with this one.

"Hey guys – you know how usually we pay for cake? We've got a new cake, but they must want us to pay later. Quick, let's eat it without asking any questions as to its origin or why it tastes funny."

The teachers were alerted as to what happened after doctors told them what they were feeling was less food poisoning and more being high. That must have been fun to witness.

"Oh," one teacher probably exclaimed. "That must be why I have spent the last half hour contemplating what I'd do if I had feet for hands. And watching Scooby-Doo."

But even more fun was the conversation the doctors had amongst themselves in the breakroom.

"Did you hear the one about the bunch of teachers who accidentally ate a caked laced with pot?"

"Yeah," another doctor said. "Wasn't the chick from Mr. Holland's Opus in that movie?"

"Nevermind that," said a third doctor. "I'm trying to figure out what would happen if god were praying to us."

Though I'm guessing they said all this in German.

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