Steve Hofstetter, Comedian - Download your free comedy album now!
Text STEVE to 484.214.0743 (USA or Canada) to get show updates
The Column

For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
12/362/03

My ex-girlfriend is getting married.

People I know have been getting married for the last few years. 2003 even featured the un-singlehood of two of my fraternity brothers. Thankfully, one eloped and one limited his wedding to family, so I have yet to see any friends fall in person.

My oldest sister got married when I was still in high school. It was 1994; I remember that because her wedding coincided with the Rangers and the Knicks both making the finals of their respective sports (which, for Rangers and Knicks fans, have not been respected since). While my brother-in-law's family was ethnically dancing, I was crouched in the coatroom with a walkman, listening to John Starks miss the three-pointer that would have given the Knicks their first NBA championship since 1973. That's the year my sister was born. I still say it's her fault.

My brother got married a few years later. I was a senior in high school, and tux-clad Steve decided to take his yearbook picture at the wedding. But we had a wedding photographer, so my classmates will remember me looking like Al Gore: a fake smile while leaning slightly to the left.

This year, two girls I went out with got married. Not to each other though, cause that'd be even weirder to deal with.

Sarah was a rebound date a few years ago; we went out a week after a girlfriend and I broke up. Despite our distinct lack of anything in common, I still had a wonderful time. But to be fair, at the times I'd have had a wonderful time with anyone who didn't just break up with me. She, on the other hand, having been single longer than six days, didn't think it was anything special.

Tammy was a fix up. I was friends with a number of her sorority sisters, and one of them decided we'd be good together. But not in the "you'd be good together" sort of way. More in the "you're both single and I want to live vicariously through you" sort of way. My friend was trying to help us, but Tammy and I just didn't gel. We ended up friends, and I was happy to hear she eventually found someone much more gelatinous than I.

Sarah and I, on the other hand, completely lost touch, and somehow didn't run into each other for two years. A week before graduation, I stopped to say hi to a friend who was talking with her. Neither Sarah nor I even recognized each other until we were "introduced." Now that's awkward.

"Oh, you two know each other?"

"Yeah, we went out once. But we forgot."

As odd as it was to have girls I'd gone out with get married, I never saw myself ending up with either, so it wasn't such a big deal. Also, I wouldn't want to be any grooms' tuxedo shoes.

I see what my brother and sister have, and there's a part of me that's jealous. But there's a much larger part of me that is way too young to worry about a mortgage. There's plenty of time for that later; according to the census, I've got 47.68 years left if I stay in New York, or just over 50 if I move to North Dakota. The life expectancy for a guy in North Dakota is pretty high, which is surprising since it you have to factor in all the people that die of boredom. The longest average lifespan in America actually belongs to Hawaiian women. So if you're into beaches and old chicks, there's your place.

I'm dealing with my ex-girlfriend getting married the same way I deal with everything: by making jokes and avoiding the issue. The issue being that a part of me wonders how things would have been different if we ended up together.

We dated for nine months, but had a nasty breakup. A very nasty breakup. But I'd still like to take this opportunity to wish her the best of luck in her new life. She will always be my first love. Unless I get my hands on a time machine so I can date Bridgette Wilson before she got famous. (Take that, Sampras!)

Kim, may you find happiness, and prosperity, and a low-interest rate mortgage. And may you do it all in Hawaii, where you will be able to live the longest life possible - very, very far away from mine.

Archives
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?