BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    


The Column

The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
8/10/03

By nature, we are always wondering what else is out there. We always think that there's something better - that our lives can be fuller, our smiles wider, our girlfriends hotter. It is that logic that leads us to be single, frowning, and watching wrestling on a Saturday night.

"Steve," you may say (which is appropriate since that's coincidentally my name), "wrestling isn't on on Saturday nights."

Of course, the only people who know this are the single frowning people I'm talking about, and they DO watch wrestling on Saturdays. They taped it. When wrestling aired earlier that week, they couldn't watch because they were very busy alone in the dark, crying.

But that logic doesn't just lead us to be single, frowning wrestling fans. It also leads us to explore downtown Detroit on a Thursday night instead of just going to a hotel bar like the smart people.

If you've never been to Detroit, well, that's probably why you're still alive today. Let me explain something about the city. Detroit is so cultured that the name comes from the French for "of the roads" which is basically pronounced "de twa." Leave it to the citizens of this fine town to pronounce that "deetroyt." Detroit is known for the famous Wooward Avenue, the nation's first freeway. Woodward Avenue is a smart road, because it leads the heck out of Detroit.

I'd finished a show in the Detroit Renaissance Hotel for a fraternity convention, and a bunch of the guys asked if I wanted to come with them across the border to Windsor. They said Windsor was great - everyone parties, everyone has a good time. I told them that though it sounded good, I'd rather just go out locally. I was in the mood to stumble home and crash at the end of the night - not go through customs.

Luckily one of the guys agreed, and he (from this point forward he will be known as "Evan," which is appropriate since that's coincidentally his name) and I set out towards that famous deetroyt action. Our first stop was the hotel bar where we tried to round up a few guys. They said they were having am okay time there, and there was no need to go out. No need to go out? What, were they nuts? If you could have an okay time in a hotel bar, imagine how much fun it would be to go OUT!

A $5 cab ride later, Evan and I ended up at a local bar. That was an accomplishment because the concierge had trouble naming a good bar. We figured this was because the concierge wasn't a bar-goer, since he was tired from all that concierge-ing. It was actually because there were none to be named.

The first bar had four people, and one was playing Irish folk music. One of the other three was behind the bar, and the last two were making out. The next bar had even fewer people. The next bar had even fewer. The fourth bar actually owed itself people. And the fifth bar, well, we're pretty convinced it was a monastery with a tap.

We walked quickly from bar to bar, less because we wanted to find a good scene and more because we were terrified of downtown deetroyt. Finally, we heard voices. Two rather large men talking about going to a strip club. Or as they put it "let's see some boobies!" We assumed they meant the neighboring strip club because the only other boobies to be seen were their own.

We'd had it and decided to get a cab. The quickest way was to cut through the nearby "casino." I like casinos, and have been to several of them. This, however, was not a casino. This was five slot machines and a homeless guy. And by the looks of desolation on the faces of those at the slot machines, I'd guess the homeless guy had the most coins in there.

A $5 cab ride later, we returned to the hotel bar, laughing about how the best thing to do while you're in Detroit is to go to Canada. We met up with the same guys we saw there before our odyssey, who were still having the same okay time they were having before we'd left. And over the next few hours, we had an okay time, too. Sure, we were all still single - but none of us were frowning. Perhaps because the bar TVs were not showing wrestling.

Oooh, I hope someone taped it.

Archives
*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*Jewzapalooza
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?