Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now
"Laughs" Live! Shows:
Detroit, MI      Chicago, IL      Phoenix, AZ      Charlotte, NC      Washington, DC     
Dayton, OH      Chicago, IL      Houston, TX      Dallas, TX     

The Column

100,000 Friends

Four months ago, I embarked on a quest to have 100,000 friends on Now that it's completed, I'm not sure what to do. I feel a bit like Inigo Montoya at the end of The Princess Bride. Maybe there's an opening for a new Dread Pirate Roberts.

First, a brief refresher. I'm a comedian - so I started the quest partly as a joke and partly as a way to get my name out there. There's nothing better to a comedian than simultaneous laughs and publicity. The Facebook seemed the perfect way to get both. Instead I ended up with a journey filled with horror, intrigue, and a dastardly murder plot so dastardly, even the most dastardly of dastardly people couldn't come up with something this dastardly.

Okay, so what really happened was I got a whole bunch of e-mails, but the dastardly stuff sounded more dramatic.

I accomplished both my goals. It was funny in how seriously some people took what I was doing. Hopefully you've perused the hate mail section on my website by now. If you haven't yet, let me sum it up for you: a lot of stupid people have access to the internet.

Some people got offended--really offended--that I sent them an unsolicited friend request. "How dare you disturb my thousand year slumber!," they'd bellow. Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

Really, I was told I had too much time on my hands and got a whole bunch of invitations to have sex with myself. If I could have sex with myself, don't you think I'd have less time on my hands?

For the most part, the response was overwhelmingly positive. Some people checked my profile every day. Some e-mailed all their friends about what I was doing. Some even helped me confirm all the friend requests I was getting. Which all added up to one thing: I'm not the only one with too much time on my hands.

I'm kidding. What it really added up to is that human nature involves a desire to be a part of something bigger than yourself. And that's what this quest was to a lot of people. It was a large, fun way to have an ice breaker. I got hundreds of emails talking about how I was the subject of conversation at a party or on a road trip or in an e-mail. What it came down to was that people wanted to help because of the feeling of community, and because none of us has yet to figure out how to have sex with ourselves.

On the flip side, I also figured out why others hated it. Some people don't just want to be involved in something bigger - they want to be involved in something bigger that they own. And thus, the majority of people who sent me hate mail didn't hate the idea of what I was doing; they hated that I was the one to do it. So much so that there are now several dozen people on The Facebook trying to duplicate what I did.

I happened to check my friend count when I was at 99,999. So I hit reload, and sure enough, I saw it at exactly 100,000. I don't know who that 100,000th was. But thank you, whoever you are. May you live a long happy life, and eventually be flexible enough to have sex with yourself.

There were no balloons, and no band played. But I did get a nice sense of satisfaction that I did what I set out to do and I could go back to my life. Which coincidentally consists mainly of answering emails and coming up with zany quests.

I wanted to thank everyone who helped, be it actively or by simply clicking "confirm." Especially the staff of The Facebook, who let me use their product to perform a simultaneous social experiment and publicity campaign. I also want to, once again, make fun of all the people who had to ask who I am despite the caption on my picture explaining, well, who I am. For those of you that did this, I want to explain that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person, since you might have missed that one, too.

I do have good news, as promised. This September, director Andrew Hevia will be screening his documentary about my quest in Tallahassee. This October, I'll be taping my first TV special in Atlanta. And later this month, I will be having a big party for all the facebookers that want to come in Los Angeles. And I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. (I'll also be doing shows in lots of other places, but this is supposed to be an 800-word column.)

I will continue to add friends, and answer all the messages I've gotten. I also branched out. I have 4,000 friends on ConnectU and 8,000 on MySpace. But I will always have a place in my heart for the 100,000 from The Facebook. Right next to my left ventricle.

*Kings vs. Sports Illustrated
*Paris Hilton is No Mother Theresa
*Putting the "Fan" in "Fanatic"
*Thinking Man: Happy New Year
*I'm Listening
*Punky Brewster Scares Me
*Don't Get Smart With Me
*Checking Out a Check Up
*Yeah, Thanks
*Steve Hofstetter is Your Friend
*Post Halloween Wrap-Up
*My Letter to Me
*The Night the Heat Went Off
*Turn That Crap Off
*You Might Be a Redhead If
*To My Future Children
*Shine Your Shoes, Mista?
*Flying Forward
*DotCom Dating Dish
*Paging Paige Page
*Watch While You Eat
*You Have Got to Be Kidding Me
*Come Home, Rachel I. K'Benjamin
*Get Out Of My Bathroom
*Subway Going Under
*Driving Forces
*Singles Anonymous
*Know When to Fold Em
*The Mirth of America
*Also Known As
*Smooth Criminal
*What That Mass Email Really Said
*Dude, Where's Your Car?
*Thinking Man: Can't We All
*You Might Be a Redneck
*A Nice Hawaiian Punch
*100,000 Friends
*Mine is Bigger Than Yours
*Good Answer
*T Stands for Terrible
*I Love You Guys
*Mitch, All Gone
*Birth of a Hate Mail Archive
*Never Do Today What...Ooh, Shiny
*Can You Hear Me Now?
*Fast Food, Slow Digestion
*Homeland Security, Eh?
*Quality Training Purposes
*The Show Went On
*Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
*Putting My Foot Down
*Breaking the Chain Mail
*Happy Valmochrismaweenygiving
*Mr. Clean's Illegitimate Brother
*The Quest For 10,000 Friends
*Forgetting Paris
*Magnetically Challenged
*New Year's at the Barefoot Boogie
*Instant Carma's Gonna Get Me
*The Biggest Loser
*Steve vs. Kentucky
*Gone in a Flash
*How to Destroy Your Car
*Ghouls, Goblins, and Candidates
*My Freedom From Your Freedom
*Drive Unto Others
*Please Don't See This Movie
*I Love The Clip Shows
*Column of Atonement
*Happy Anniversary, Sugarhill
*Life, 9/11, and the Interstate
*Your Band Sucks
*Spending Wisely
*The Blind Dating the Blind
*Grilled Cheese With a Side of Hip Hop
*The Drive to 25
*Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
*Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House
*Seacrest! Out!
*Harder Than You Think
*Glad To Be Here
*Thought for Food
*Feeding the Meter
*She's Ready For Her Close Up
*Paging John Hughes
*Excusing America's Gas Problem
*Extra, Extra, Extra Long Time
*The Finals Countdown
*Your Friends and Mine
*The Future Mrs. Bueller
*Toasting Not Toasting
*A Tall Order
*Snaking Your Engine
*My Hair is the Color of Tomato Soup
*The Solace System
*You Say Potato
*It’s Getting Less Cold in Here
*This is Not a Virus
*Pitchers and Catchers
*Another Night Not at the Movies
*Higher and Higher
*To Write A Wrong
*They Call it Super for a Reason
*Imagine All the People
*Lost Wages, Nevada
*This Just In
*Why Are All My Stands Red?
*For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls
*Silent One Day Sale, Holy One Day Sale
*I Want To Be That Guy
*Felicity Doesn't Always Mean Happiness
*That Time of Year
*My Cranberry Sauce Looks like a Can
*The Legend of Fat Dead Steve
*Two Beldings in One Building
*Happy Halloween From Happy Valley
*Three Stations and Nothing On
*15 Shots of Nostalgia
*Here's To the Dancing Guy
*Teaching an Old Dog New Sticks
*If You Could Choose Just One Dumb Question...
*Obligatory Pun on The Word Tired
*I've Grown Accustomed to Your Wet Nose
*What Do You Want For Your Birthday?
*What a Long, Strange Trip
*Open Letter to My UPS Man
*That Better Be Your Foot
*The Abandoned Lot is Always Greener
*Putting Down the Pieces
*Take One Down, Pass It Around
*Here, You Throw This Away
*Being Green at the Box Office
*Who Wears Short Shorts?
*America is an Okay Place to Be
*You Can't Stop the Rain
*Don't Feed the Alpha Males
*Don’t Sweat It
*The Special Plate Blues
*You Deserve It
*The Return to Popcopy
*They're Real, and They're Spectacular
*Keeping Your Prom Misses
*Guerillas in Our Midst
*That Weird No Bread Holiday
*The Ballad of the Buttless
*Something About Being Twenty-Something
*Have You Seen My Cell Phone?
*War, Huh, Yeah, What Is It Good For?
*Leggo My Ego
*I'm a Spazz, You're a Spazz
*Can I Please Keep My Pants?
*Engaged in Conversation
*Welcome to PopCopy
*Hold Me Closer, Tiny Bathroom
*My Two-Bedroom Furbee
*All’s Fare in Love and Daytona
*Open? Shut Them
*I Am Everyday Pimple
*Here Comes the Judge Show
*When, Praytell, Were The Days of Auld Lang Syne?
*What Are You Up To This Weekend?
*The Waiting is the Hardest Part
*A Night Not at the Movies
*Funny, You Don’t Look Flu-ish
*Does This Baby Come With Airbags?
*When The Hogan Family Was Still Valerie
*Blue (Haired) Tuesday
*In Loco Parents
*Moving Is Like A Vaccuum: It Sucks
*Thou Shalt Not Save the World and Get the Girl
*Like Oil and Stuff That Hates Oil
*How to Get Hatemail
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*Fungi, Octopi, What’s the Plural of Bus? (Part I
*It Happens to the Best of Us
*Talking To A Piece of Junk Mail
*When You Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
*ICFS Disorder and Celebrity Kid Growth
*Electricity and Other Things They Cut Off
*When Pigeons Fly
*Goodbye, New York, Goodbye
*La La La-la La La, Sing a Happy Song
*What To Do at Work Besides Work
*Why is This Column Different From All Others?