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The Column

Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God.
8/1/04

Hey, how are you? It's God again. I know it's been a while since I wrote, but that doesn't mean we're not still totally bff. I mean, the f stands for something, right? Well, both of them do. And the b, also. But that second f is the important part.

People have been calling me lately more than ever before. I don't wanna say I'm Ms. Popular or anything but it's crazy! The phone just keeps ringing. It's "God this," and "God that," and I'm getting so tired of it. If George calls me one more time I'm just gonna freak. And John is no better. The only thing I care less about than that stupid election is the Super Bowl. It's in friggin January. Like I wanna be bothered during the one week I get off from school until March. I'm planning a ski trip with Ashleigh and Deb and I hope we get to go. Last year we had to cancel cause there was some big flood and my line was going off the hook with people telling me about it. Duh. Like I don't know. I'm the one that started it!

I dunno why we get off for presidents' week anyway. There's no gods week. I guess Christmas and Hanukah, but that's only some people anyway. And last I checked Lincoln's birthday wasn't always on a Monday (I should know - I invented it!)

Some jerks set off a few bombs in churches in Iraq the other day and I've been really tense about it. I mean, how would they like it if I wrecked their stuff? My little brother lost his retainer once and my mom totally freaked. What's she going to say when she finds out that I lost five churches in one day? And Allah didn't even apologize! He said that he didn't want it to happen and his friends just misheard him, but still I'm the one who has to deal with all of it. I think he's still mad at me for what George did to his front yard. I told him not to! I promise! Yeesh, this is so sixth grade. No offense.

I've been having trouble at school lately. Some of the other gods have been teasing me and they wouldn't let me sit at their table. And I was like, "but I'm America's god," and then Allah got all up in my face about how all of us are America's god and I was like, "no!," and he was all, "yeah!" and I said something about how if he was so special than why can't he help anyone win a war and I probably shouldn't have said it because everyone got quiet. And then Shiva told me that my friends were using "born again" wrong and Thor said something really mean that I can't even remember but I threw down my tray and stormed out. Whatever, it's just high school. Like this stuff is really gonna matter in four years. Get over it.

I liked it better when we were kids and we could just play all day in the desert and no one really bothered us except when we'd break a palace window with a Frisbee or something. Oh man, do you remember how mad Ramses got? He was all, "I'm the Pharaoh and no one breaks my window," and I was like, "don't tell me what to do, I'm God!" and I let a bunch of bugs go in his house.

I've just been feeling really blah lately, and I was hoping that writing to you could help me get some kind of catharsis or something. Catharsis. Isn't that a good word? I learned that one yesterday. It means "The emotional relief that results either from allowing repressed thoughts and feelings to surface." I should have known that one already cause that's totally the story of my life. Well, my friend's lives, anyway. But you know what I mean.

Look at me, I'm just rambling to you. So how have you been? Did that stuff with the tissues and the sweater work? Don't worry, that's totally normal. I went through the same thing when I was your age. Like I'm so much older now. It's just been three years, but time here is different so it's felt like way more. Anyway, write back and let me know how everything is. I could use the distraction.

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