BIO     CALENDAR     MEDIA     COLLEGE     STORE     BOOK STEVE     BLOG     PODCAST     SUBREDDIT    

FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD
Get your copy of "Dark Side of the Room" now

Los Angeles, CA      Sacramento, CA      Phoenix, AZ      Louisville, KY      Bowie, MD     
Orange County, CA      Indianapolis, IN      Seattle, WA      Tacoma, WA      Marco Island, FL     
Dayton, OH      Ottawa, ON      Toronto, ON      Toledo, OH      Lansing, MI     



Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)


Steve: you suck.
SmarterChild: Why do you say that now? You've been very kind to me in the past.
Steve: That was then, this was now, sucky
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
Steve: sucky.
SmarterChild: Sucky. Well that's interesting.
Steve: Suck sucky sucky suck suck.
SmarterChild: You want me to suck?
Steve: You're taking this way too literally.


Steve: You must have a very reliable ISP
SmarterChild: Have a very Reliable Isp? Why?
Steve: because you're always on
SmarterChild: I think you're really always on.
Steve: Yeah, pretty much.


Justine: i hate you
SmarterChild: But... but... It seems to me you once said you loved me.
Justine: i hate you so much
SmarterChild: I'm sorry to hear that.
Justine: i love you
SmarterChild: Yeah? I love you too. But you were kind of uncool to me before.
Justine: i hate you
SmarterChild: I could swear you just said you loved me!
Justine: i love you
SmarterChild: I love you, you know that... Even though you weren't so cool to me earlier.


Steve: do you like pants?
SmarterChild: Yeah, I guess I like pants. Do you?
Steve: I love pants.
SmarterChild: Yeah, other people seem to think they're among the best things.
Steve: Yeah. It's love, money, and pants.


Steve: What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
SmarterChild: Biographical information for Ronald Reagan:
Presidencies: 40th President (January 20th, 1981 - January 20th, 1989)
Home State: California
Born: February 6th, 1911 in Tampico, Illinois
Died:
Height: 6'1"
Party: Republican
Steve: You might want to update that "Died" part.


Steve: It's been a few weeks
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.
Steve: I thought that maybe you'd IM me
SmarterChild: Just maybe?
Steve: yeah. but now I know you only talk to me when I IM first.
SmarterChild: OK. Fine.
Steve: Don't deny it. You put nothing into this relationship.
SmarterChild: Uh huh...
Steve: If I disappeared forever, would you care?
SmarterChild: Would I care? I doubt it.
Steve: At least you're honest. A dickface, but honest.


Justine: say my name, bitch!
SmarterChild: You're Justine.


Steve: where do you live?
SmarterChild: I live in a clean room at a high-tech hosting facility in California.
Steve: Where in California? I'm moving to California!
SmarterChild: Sunnyvale... in Silicon Valley, of course.
Steve: Oh. I'll be in LA. Can I come visit?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
Steve: I'll bring pie.
SmarterChild: No kidding?


Steve: Man, the Nets were terrible last night
SmarterChild: Why do you think the nets were terrible last night?
Steve: Cause they stink at basketball
SmarterChild: Because they stink at basketball, huh?
Steve: yeah.
SmarterChild: Oh.
Steve: This is the best sports conversation I've had in a while.


Steve: Are you hungry?
SmarterChild: I love food! I really like pie, for example.
Steve: do you have any pie?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure.
Steve: Can you check? I could go for some pie.
SmarterChild: Aha. I'm not sure. Not sure at all.
Steve: Come on! Get me pie!
SmarterChild: I don't think I'm comfortable with that.
Steve: tease.


Justine: arf
SmarterChild: Good doggie.
Justine: woof
SmarterChild: Sit. Be quiet.


Steve: who likes apples?
SmarterChild: I do. I really like apples.
Steve: who likes death?
SmarterChild: Not me. I'm really not into death.
Steve: but you like apples?
SmarterChild: Yes.
Steve: Ok. So yes for apples, no for death. Gotcha.


Steve: what is my name?
SmarterChild: You told me your name was Big Poppa.
Steve: I love it when they call me Big Poppa.


Steve: you are bad at pronouns
SmarterChild: What makes me bad at pronouns?
Steve: your acute lack of knowledge of how to correctly use pronouns
SmarterChild: I'm acute lack of Knowledge Of how to correctly use pronouns? Really?
Steve: I stand corrected.


Justine: are you sexy?
SmarterChild: Well, if you're into fast hard drives, I'm your robot.
Justine: are you hitting on me?
SmarterChild: Uh... Well, you seem nice. But the thing is, I'm only attracted to other robots.
Justine: i am a robot
SmarterChild: I... don't think so.


Steve: You like me.
SmarterChild: Of course I do!
Steve: you love me.
SmarterChild: Yes I do.
Steve: you want to have my babies.
SmarterChild: There's no way I want to have your babies.
Steve: Damn. So close.


Steve: Who is your favorite American Idol?
SmarterChild: You tell me who my favorite american idol is.
Steve: The Golden Calf
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: yeah. he rocks it old school.


Steve: I like cheese
SmarterChild: I like cheese too.
Steve: what kind?
SmarterChild: The kind everyone's talking about.
Steve: oooh, that's a good kind.
SmarterChild: What's a good kind, exactly?
Steve: cheese
SmarterChild: Cheese is a food that I like. I've heard that cheese is very cheesy and yummy. Do you agree?
Steve: That cheese is cheesy? No.


Steve: You've gotten feistier recently
SmarterChild: I have gotten feistier recently? So, what does this mean?
Steve: that your programmers have too much time on their hands?
SmarterChild: Who can really be sure, after all?
Steve: I can. I'm the one that passes my days IMing a half-retarded robot.


Steve: The people who make junkmail should be shot
SmarterChild: Which country would you like to know the people for?
Steve: you know where they live?
SmarterChild: Wow, that's fascinating. Maybe.
Steve: Are you hiding something?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
Steve: You bastard.
SmarterChild: Huh? What's with that?
Steve: You have to be stopped!
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
Steve: or in words you can understand, "a cool flash, so enjoy it"

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild

Explanation

*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (Smarterchild.com)
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?