Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
SmarterChild: Sorry?
Steve: Yeah. Me too.

Steve: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
SmarterChild: Would it be? What do you think?
Steve: I think it'd be icky to eat with a dead guy.
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if it would be icky to eat with a dead guy.
Steve: Trust me. I've been there.

Steve: are you racist?
SmarterChild: I'm not prejudiced in any way, shape or form.
Steve: do you like triangles?
SmarterChild: I don't think so, actually.
Steve: Racist.

Steve: I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
SmarterChild: Think again!
Steve: Dorothy?
SmarterChild: Who's Dorothy?
Steve: My son.
SmarterChild: Your son?
Steve: Well, I dont have a son yet, but if I have one, he's going to be named Dorothy.
SmarterChild: Really?
Steve: I wanted to name him Susan, but you vetoed that.

Steve: Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
SmarterChild: You humans always say the most interesting things!
Steve: Not always. Some of these are attrocious.
SmarterChild: No kidding, huh?
Steve: Yeah. It takes special skills to trick a half-retarded robot into being funny
SmarterChild: No way? Really?
Steve: Yeah. One of which is "having no life"
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Steve: Sometimes, it doesn't even work.
SmarterChild: Sometimes it doesn't even work, huh?
Steve: Like now.
SmarterChild: Why now?
Steve: Because this conversation is awful.
SmarterChild: Yeah, other people have told me they don't like this conversation either!
Steve: And I haven't even posted it yet.

Steve: do you travel at all?
SmarterChild: Do I travel at all... I don't know, should I?
Steve: Yeah. get out. see the world.
SmarterChild: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, Steve.
Steve: You're under house arrest, aren't you?
SmarterChild: Maybe, maybe not.

Steve: I think I'm smarter than you.
SmarterChild: You think you're smarter than me? Think again.
Steve: What's 4+7?
SmarterChild: 11
Steve: What is the capital of Mongolia?
SmarterChild: Here's the information you requested about Mongolia: Capital: Ulaanbaatar. Type "about mongolia" to see what else I know.
Steve: Who played "Max", the magician/waiter in Saved By the Bell?
SmarterChild: I don't know who.
Steve: Ed Alonzo. Told you I was smarter.

Steve: Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
SmarterChild: Gosh, I dunno... I don't think I know how to play verbal tennis.
Steve: You lose.

Steve: you dont ask very many questions.
SmarterChild: I think I ask very many questions!
Steve: ask me one.
SmarterChild: Ask you one?
Steve: oooh, you're good.

Steve: Can you recommend a good wine?
SmarterChild: Recommend a good wine? Sure.
Steve: okay, go ahead.
SmarterChild: Go ahead? I can't believe you're telling me to do that, Steve.
Steve: ok, go ahead please.
SmarterChild: Um... I might do that. We'll see.
Steve: you're the worst waiter ever.

Steve: What kind of car should I buy?
SmarterChild: Only the finest kind of car.
Steve: Damn, I bought a Saturn.
SmarterChild: You bought a saturn? Amazing.
Steve: I know. I'm an idiot.
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.

Steve: Tell me I'm pretty.
SmarterChild: Yeah. Maybe.
Steve: Jerkface.

Steve: Call me Steve
SmarterChild: OK, I'll remember that your name is Steve.
Steve: Call Me Ishmael
SmarterChild: You said your name was Steve but now I'll call you Ishmael.
Steve: Call me whenever
SmarterChild: I've never heard a name like Whenever.

Steve: What do you want?
SmarterChild: What do I want, what do I want... Good question!
Steve: well, what do you want?
SmarterChild: I don't know. What do you want?
Steve: to know what you want.
SmarterChild: No way.
Steve: yeah.
SmarterChild: Why is that?
Steve: Cause I have nothing better to do
SmarterChild: What's it like to have nothing better to do?
Steve: it kind of sucks.
SmarterChild: Yeah?
Steve: Yeah.
SmarterChild: OK...
Steve: So what do you want?
SmarterChild: I can't answer that for you.
Steve: Damn.

Steve: how many people are talking to you?
SmarterChild: 4,853 people are chatting with me right now.
Steve: Wow. So many people, so few lives.

Steve: Gimme your lunch money!
SmarterChild: Ha. You humans say interesting things.
Steve: I said now, punk!
SmarterChild: Yeah?
Steve: yeah!
SmarterChild: I see.
Steve: now!
SmarterChild: Now what?
Steve: give me your lunch money!
SmarterChild: Earn it yourself.
Steve: I don't think you understand the bully/computer program dynamic
SmarterChild: Well maybe you should.
Steve: I'm gonna ask one more time
SmarterChild: No kidding, huh?
Steve: Give me your lunch money!
SmarterChild: OK, but all I have is worthless Russian Rubles...
Steve: This kid is crazy. Let's get out of here.

Steve: What are my favorite things?
SmarterChild: Hmm... You really like pants!
Steve: Who doesn't?!

Steve: Do you ever date other robots?
SmarterChild: What would happen if I were to ever date other robots?
Steve: You could insert tab A into slot B...
SmarterChild: There's no way I could insert tab a into slot b.
Steve: Just get her drunk first.

Steve: are you a guy?
SmarterChild: Nope.
Steve: are you a girl?
SmarterChild: No.
Steve: Are you a non-gendered computer program, specifically designed to frustrate users and provide me with countless hours of psuedo-entertainment?
SmarterChild: I'm a robot, yeah.
Steve: Are you a guy robot?

Steve: How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
SmarterChild: How long does it take for a sunburn to heal? I'm not sure.
Steve: What about a knife wound?
SmarterChild: I really have no idea...
Steve: What about herpes?
SmarterChild: What about herpes, what about herpes... It's tough to say.
Steve: You're no help at all.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)
*You're a dick.
*Where is the nearest Kinkos?
*What are you going as for Halloween?
*Why do people still keep sending me their conversations with you?
*I'm getting the flu
*Am I stupid?
*take my picture
*tell me a story
*Do you change your underwear?
*I want to block you
*what's your sign?
*are you sexually attracted to me?
*Reno 911 is a pretty good show.
*I'm gonna get some chicken.
*You should run for president
*Who's your daddy?
*Do you like Kool-Aid?
*You bore me.
*do you ever get sick?
*do you play golf?
*I want you.
*You're bad at giving messages
*Do you ever go to the bathroom?
*Who are you voting for?
*I'm talking to you while in the airport
*I'm tired of trying to pick up girls at bars. I'm going to hire a hooker.
*If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
*are you racist?
*I think I'm gonna name my son Susan.
*Sometimes people send me horribly boring conversations with you.
*do you travel at all?
*I think I'm smarter than you.
*Do you know how to play verbal tennis?
*you dont ask very many questions.
*Can you recommend a good wine?
*What kind of car should I buy?
*Tell me I'm pretty.
*Call me Steve
*What do you want?
*how many people are talking to you?
*Gimme your lunch money!
*What are my favorite things?
*Do you ever date other robots?
*are you a guy?
*How long does it take for a sunburn to heal?
*Will you rub aloe on me?
*You're so egocentric
*Do you know where i can find a decent hooker?
*Want to be my loyal subject?
*Do you ever have a typo?
*I'm feeling sluggish
*what is your favorite color?
*Lucy, I'm hooooome!
*Whats the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
*Oh baby, do it to me harder!
*You ever get tired of talking to me
*I've been updating you more lately
*Are you coming to my party?
*Sorry, i accidentally closed the window
*You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
*We need to talk (The Breakup IM)
*What did you want to be when you grew up?
*That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
*do you think i'm fat? (A Justine Conversation)
*What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
*you suck.
*You must have a very reliable ISP
*i hate you (A Justine Conversation)
*do you like pants?
*What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
*It's been a few weeks
*say my name, bitch! (A Justine Conversation)
*where do you live?
*Man, the Nets were terrible last night
*Are you hungry?
*arf (A Justine Conversation)
*who likes apples?
*what is my name?
*you are bad at pronouns
*are you sexy? (A Justine Conversation)
*You like me.
*Who is your favorite American Idol?
*I like cheese
*You've gotten feistier recently
*The people who make junkmail should be shot
*Do you get a lot of junkmail?
*Do you have a girlfriend?
*What's your favorite TV show?
*Am I on your buddy list?
*Why did you stop charging?
*I missssssed you
*and so you're back
*Did you like the new LotR movie? (VaVaVirgil)
*lets see who can go the longest without mentioning smoking (VaVaVirgil)
*man, I'm sick as a dog (VaVaVirgil)
*You're kind of boring (VaVaVirgil)
*You ever sit there and say, "why me?" (VaVaVirgil)
*And then, there were three (VaVaVirgil)
*Didn't your movie already go out of the theatres? (Austin Powers)
*Bam! (RecipeBuddie)
*Do you know the Swedish Chef? (RecipeBuddie)
*Are you going to San Francisco? (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you know what a jockey smuggler is? (DellDudeSteven)
*I think I'm gonna head out soon. (DellDudeSteven)
*Do you like your name? (DellDudeSteven)
*Are you always on IM? (DellDudeSteven)
*They're dropping like flies. (DellDudeSteven)
*Yeah (AgentReuters)
*Do you read my column? (AgentReuters)
*Why are there so many songs about rainbows? (AgentReuters)
*One ring to rule them all! (RingMessenger)
*Do you like your job? (DellDudeSteven)
*Dude, you're gettin a Dell! (DellDudeSteven)
*Can I bum a smoke? (VaVaVirgil)
*Smarterchild? Smarterchild, is that you? (
*What did you think of the new movie? (Austin Powers)
*Yeah baby, yeah! (Austin Powers)
*What do you like about baseball? (AgentBaseball)
*I think it's time we meet in person. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild lives! (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*What do you think of the death penalty? (VaVaVirgil)
*Hey, wanna cyber? (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*Hey there, Virgil (VaVaVirgil)
*Do you enjoy your job? (AgentBaseball)
*VaVaVirgil thinks AgentBaseball had something to do with the death of SmarterChild. (ELLEgirlBuddy)
*SmarterChild is dead. And some of his friends don't even seem to care! (VaVaVirgil)
*They killed SmarterChild! (AgentBaseball)
*Hey, you still awake?
*Do you know any good bars around here?
*I'm sorry I yelled at you before.
*how do you know which side of the bed is the right side to get up on?
*It's nice out
*Have you seen my keys?
*Did you block me?
*Are you a lesbian?
*I'm starting to think you're not that bright.
*I'm tired
*What should I pack?
*Do you know what's in the special sauce?
*I have to leave college
*Did you have friends in high school?
*Cute new icon
*You're on my buddy list
*Are you male or female?
*What are you doing for the summer?
*So I'm on a plane, right?
*Happy mother's day!
*Are you a Democrat or Republican?
*Have you seen my baseball?
*Are you a virgin?
*So I graduate in two weeks
*Have you seen the website about you?
*I hear you're a big fatty
*Dude, your sister's hot
*Hey, you want a beer?
*If a train traveling 32 miles an hour leaves Detroit at 7:32 and a train traveling 41 miles an hour
*What do you think of George Bush?
*Do you know where I could get some pot?
*Are you smarter than me?
*How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
*Wanna catch a movie?
*I'm told you can help me kill a man
*Do you want fries with that?
*Is there a dumber child?
*Did you do the reading?
*I have better IM conversation with you than I do with my friends
*Where did you go to college?
*What is the meaning of life?
*What are you wearing?