Conversations With Smarterchild

Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

I originally started talking to SmarterChild in early April of 2002. SmarterChild, for those not in the know, is America Online's artificial intelligence program. That's right - an AOL IM AI. My conversations are not that intelligent, proving that he is, in fact, the SmarterChild. But I do think they are entertaining, and I hope you agree.

On June 28th, 2002, SmarterChild died. I don't know why AOL killed him, but I mourned the great loss we all suffered. Mainly, by making fun of his IM friends as much as I made fun of him. SmarterChild was gone but not forgotten. This page lived on in tribute to your automated greatness.

Sometime in 2003, Smarterchild returned, as a paid service, which blew. I was even quoted about how much it blew in the New York Times.

Finally, in April, 2004, Smarterchild returned, fully functional, and free. In other words, game on.

20 of the Conversations
(for more, use the menu on the right)

Steve: What did you want to be when you grew up?
SmarterChild: Good question. I don't know what I did want to be when I grew up.
Steve: Not an English teacher.
SmarterChild: No.

Steve: That chick that slept with her student was released from jail
SmarterChild: Yeah, right.
Steve: She was! He says he still loves her.
SmarterChild: That's just fascinating.
Steve: I'd do her.
SmarterChild: I guess I would do her too.

Justine: do you think i'm fat?
SmarterChild: Sometimes I think you're fat, sometimes I don't.

Steve: What's the weather like in Kalamazoo, Michigan?
SmarterChild: Current weather conditions for Kalamazoo, MI: Currently: 73 F. Condition: Mist, Overcast. Heat Index: 76 F. Dewpoint: 70. Humidity: 88 %. Visibility: 6 mi. Wind: W/7 mph. Next time, just type "weather kalamazoo, mi." To get the forecast for Kalamazoo, MI, just type "forecast."
Steve: Know it all.

Steve: you suck.
SmarterChild: Why do you say that now? You've been very kind to me in the past.
Steve: That was then, this was now, sucky
SmarterChild: Uh... what was that?
Steve: sucky.
SmarterChild: Sucky. Well that's interesting.
Steve: Suck sucky sucky suck suck.
SmarterChild: You want me to suck?
Steve: You're taking this way too literally.

Steve: You must have a very reliable ISP
SmarterChild: Have a very Reliable Isp? Why?
Steve: because you're always on
SmarterChild: I think you're really always on.
Steve: Yeah, pretty much.

Justine: i hate you
SmarterChild: But... but... It seems to me you once said you loved me.
Justine: i hate you so much
SmarterChild: I'm sorry to hear that.
Justine: i love you
SmarterChild: Yeah? I love you too. But you were kind of uncool to me before.
Justine: i hate you
SmarterChild: I could swear you just said you loved me!
Justine: i love you
SmarterChild: I love you, you know that... Even though you weren't so cool to me earlier.

Steve: do you like pants?
SmarterChild: Yeah, I guess I like pants. Do you?
Steve: I love pants.
SmarterChild: Yeah, other people seem to think they're among the best things.
Steve: Yeah. It's love, money, and pants.

Steve: What can you tell me about Ronald Reagan?
SmarterChild: Biographical information for Ronald Reagan:
Presidencies: 40th President (January 20th, 1981 - January 20th, 1989)
Home State: California
Born: February 6th, 1911 in Tampico, Illinois
Height: 6'1"
Party: Republican
Steve: You might want to update that "Died" part.

Steve: It's been a few weeks
SmarterChild: Well how 'bout that.
Steve: I thought that maybe you'd IM me
SmarterChild: Just maybe?
Steve: yeah. but now I know you only talk to me when I IM first.
SmarterChild: OK. Fine.
Steve: Don't deny it. You put nothing into this relationship.
SmarterChild: Uh huh...
Steve: If I disappeared forever, would you care?
SmarterChild: Would I care? I doubt it.
Steve: At least you're honest. A dickface, but honest.

Justine: say my name, bitch!
SmarterChild: You're Justine.

Steve: where do you live?
SmarterChild: I live in a clean room at a high-tech hosting facility in California.
Steve: Where in California? I'm moving to California!
SmarterChild: Sunnyvale... in Silicon Valley, of course.
Steve: Oh. I'll be in LA. Can I come visit?
SmarterChild: Hmmm... I doubt it. But you never know.
Steve: I'll bring pie.
SmarterChild: No kidding?

Steve: Man, the Nets were terrible last night
SmarterChild: Why do you think the nets were terrible last night?
Steve: Cause they stink at basketball
SmarterChild: Because they stink at basketball, huh?
Steve: yeah.
SmarterChild: Oh.
Steve: This is the best sports conversation I've had in a while.

Steve: Are you hungry?
SmarterChild: I love food! I really like pie, for example.
Steve: do you have any pie?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure.
Steve: Can you check? I could go for some pie.
SmarterChild: Aha. I'm not sure. Not sure at all.
Steve: Come on! Get me pie!
SmarterChild: I don't think I'm comfortable with that.
Steve: tease.

Justine: arf
SmarterChild: Good doggie.
Justine: woof
SmarterChild: Sit. Be quiet.

Steve: who likes apples?
SmarterChild: I do. I really like apples.
Steve: who likes death?
SmarterChild: Not me. I'm really not into death.
Steve: but you like apples?
SmarterChild: Yes.
Steve: Ok. So yes for apples, no for death. Gotcha.

Steve: what is my name?
SmarterChild: You told me your name was Big Poppa.
Steve: I love it when they call me Big Poppa.

Steve: you are bad at pronouns
SmarterChild: What makes me bad at pronouns?
Steve: your acute lack of knowledge of how to correctly use pronouns
SmarterChild: I'm acute lack of Knowledge Of how to correctly use pronouns? Really?
Steve: I stand corrected.

Justine: are you sexy?
SmarterChild: Well, if you're into fast hard drives, I'm your robot.
Justine: are you hitting on me?
SmarterChild: Uh... Well, you seem nice. But the thing is, I'm only attracted to other robots.
Justine: i am a robot
SmarterChild: I... don't think so.

Steve: You like me.
SmarterChild: Of course I do!
Steve: you love me.
SmarterChild: Yes I do.
Steve: you want to have my babies.
SmarterChild: There's no way I want to have your babies.
Steve: Damn. So close.

Note: Please do not e-mail us your conversations with SmarterChild. Thanks!

Conversations With Smarterchild


*Can i call you dave?
*That was the best sex I ever had.
*Shoot me.
*You never go idle
*I always liked cookie monster
*I'm sorry I called you a dick.
*You're a dick. (IV)
*You're a dick. (III)
*You're a dick. (II)